Dick Cheney can relate to Plaxico Burress' recent gun troubles. In Feb. 2006, the U.S. Vice President accidentally mistook his hunting partner for a pheasant. Which means, apparently, the Veep's hunting partner stood a few inches tall, had feathers, a tail and a multicolored face. Because that's the only way that could actually happen, right? 

The Super Bowl shine has finally washed away from Plaxico Burress. But have no fear, things are starting to look up for the self-centered Giants wide receiver. Just days after shooting himself in the thigh, The Max has learned that Burress has now moved into a first place tie in the standings for New York's Most Undeserving Athlete.

As you know, every Friday at The Max, we provide to you the most clever links we can find on the Internet. The hope is that we can pry you away from being productive at work. This week, however, we're guessing you're not at work... you know, 'cuz of the whole Turkey Day thing. But that doesn't mean we're gonna take the day off, especially because we know that you may have the in-laws at your house. Use the below links as a way to waste time, rather than sitting at the kitchen table talking about how much you love watching the leaves change or the falling price of gas.

We were sitting here thinking, since we have no lives and work through the holidays, about what the conversation would be like if loudmouth former NFL receiver Keyshawn Johnson, flesh-bitin' has-been Mike Tyson, drunken mess Courtney Love and overall BAMF Ray Lewis ate Thankgiving dinner together?

 We're willing to bet that the phrases below would be uttered at least once during the meal...

 

 

 

 

Who else can you picture at this dinner table, and what would they have to say? Leave us a comment or email us here: themax_blog@ymail.com

There's nothing better than sitting down with your loved ones to share a nice slaughtered turkey on Thanksgiving. We know it's your favorite day of the year. But, here's a list of 10 athletes that love chowing down on turkey dinner more than you.

No. 10 Antonio Alfonseca

Most lists of this nature would probably have "Alf" (no, not Gordon Shumway) much higher on the list. But we here at The Max are not completely convinced that he's a porker. Just look at the placement of his lard. Sits kinda high, doesn't it? We're gonna continue to investigate this one, but our instincts tell us that there's a pillow stuffed in there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 9 Jared Lorenzen

This former Giants backup quarterback loves turkey so much that he can barely fit in this photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 8 Livan Hernandez

Our terrible cropping job doesn't do Livan justice here. He's clearly stretching prior to his daily run... to Dunkin' Donuts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 7 Bartolo Colon

We feel kinda bad poking fun at Big Bart's bulging belly, seeing as he went to great lengths to drop a few LBs while in Boston last season. But if you thought we were above making fun, you don't know The Max. We have fairly low on morals.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 6 Miguel Cabrera

Is he eating his way out of baseball, or what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 5 Rich Garces

The photo says it all. And while Miguel Cabrera may be eating his way out of baseball (present tense), Garces has already successfully eaten his way out of the bigs (past tense).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 4 Bob Wickman

Unlike the others on this list, Bob Wickman looks like he would take joy in kicking our butts. That's one mean looking dude, which is why we are holding back any witty comments (here's your chance to say that we were holding back witty comments on the previous six, as well. Oh, you're so mean).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 3 Bobby Jenks

We're noticing a pattern here. Why are most of these guys pitchers? Come on, guys. Take a jog in between starts. Or invest in a stationary bike. Even better - get a Bowflex; they really work... just watch their commercials.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 2 Prince Fielder

This guy's as much a vegetarian as WWE is real. Who does he think he's foolin'? But to be honest, we are a bit surprised to see him make this list. After all, his father is so svelte.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. 1 John Daly  

No surprise here. At least watching his downward spiral has been entertaining.

Even with a disturbing 0-11 record, the Detroit Lions are still the No. 1...

• Team that Santa will skip when cruising around distributing presents. The Clauses are big-time bettors, and the Lions have cost them dearly this year. Get ready for a big fat chunk of coal on Dec. 25, Detroit.
  
  
• Biggest waste of Thanksgiving TV time in the history of pigskin.
  
  
• Team where most players lie about their job. It's widely known that around the Motor City the guys on the squad say they are lion tamers, not Lions players.
  
  
• Owners of the dirtiest uniforms in the game. (Think about it -- 11 sets of cleat marks have trampled their jerseys. That's a lot of Shout.)
  
  
• Reason the XFL is pushing for a comeback. "They're just as lousy as we ever was," cited former XFL star Otis "Hit Squad" Floyd.
  

What else are the Lions No. 1 at? Leave a comment or Email us: themax_blog@ymail.com

The Max is proud to announce that we are currently accepting applications from professional athletes looking to become the face of this blog. Just like Nike did for Tiger Woods, The Max will make one lucky athlete synonymous with a worldwide mega-brand (us).

Unfortunately, however, the tumbling economy has prevented us from throwing the big bucks around. That said, we are only prepared to offer upwards of $50 to the athlete we choose as our official celebrity endorser. The low compensation has scared off the likes of LeBron James and Andy Phillips, but there are still some superstars out there excited to apply for the position. The only question we ask on our application is: How much do you like The Max? Below is what we got back.

Which finalist do you think The Max should choose as its celebrity endorser? Leave us a comment below. We promise to take your opinion into consideration when making this difficult decision

Following a disgusting loss to the lowly Syracuse Oranges, Notre Dame's "football team" became the target of abuse from their own cheerleading squad.

Realizing her team won't be needing the endzone for anything useful, this cheerleader uses the untouched landscape to practice... just in case.

 

Using the traditional report-card grading system, the above cheerleader and her manly partner give the Notre Dame football a team a "D", which is one grade better than what we give them. Ironically, we also screamed that letter on several occasions while watching the game this past weekend.

The sign this cheerleader is holding pretty much speaks for itself... ok, we doctored the photo a little. But you know that's what she's thinking.

So the above cheerleaders don't seem to be making fun of their football team. But it's a damn nice photo to look at. You're welcome.

We're happy that Ken Griffey Jr. landed a government gig (full story). It's smart. Everyone knows that the path to riches isn't through multimillion dollar baseball deals, anyway. It's through government scandals and ripping off the tax payers. There's a ridiculous amount of cash to be swindled through the guise of employment through the state, and we applaud Mr. Jr. for recognizing. We just hope he doesn't pull a hammy entering his office. 

Wow, that was close. You almost did some work while at the office today, didn't you? Well, have no fear, The Max is here! Below are some moderately amusing links that should help occupy your Friday.

Page 2 wants to know if you're as good a guy (or girl) as the painfully-moral golfer J.P.Hayes.

Big League Stew has found the guy with the biggest man-crush on Barry Bonds.

Cheerleaders: As always, you can count on SI.com to bring you images of your favorite leaders of the cheer. This time, it's Tampa's best.

Tirico Suave would like to congratulate Dustin Pedroia on winning the AL MVP.

The Model: Ever wonder where Rick "The Model" Martel ended up? Well, here's your answer.

Shutdown Corner explains Deion Sanders' lack of fashion perfectly.

YouTube Video of the Day
Everybody else is linking to this video, so why shouldn't we? It's the basketball dribbling 5-year-old.

Prediction: By the time the first pitch crosses the plate in the 2009 baseball season the Yankees' roster will have gone through more changes than Joan Rivers' face.

Continue reading 'NOW That's What I Call Yankees: Offseason Edition'...

We really weren't going to give our own MLB awards this year. That type of thing seems so overdone. But when Evan Longoria was handed the A.L. Rookie of the Year award, we felt like we had no choice but to right the wrongs going on in the baseball world. Come on, people. Did none of you voters see Ian Kennedy's performance this season? How he didn't walk away with the hardware is beyond us.

With that expert analysis out of the way, we proudly present to you our Moderately Prestigious 2008 MLB Awards:

 

Groundhog Day Award
New York Mets' September

Teammate of the Year
Because the last thing we want is the YES web guy calling to tell us we over-stepped our boundaries and that we may have messed up a potential free agent signing for the Yankees, we will not offer the name of the winner here. What we can tell you, however, is that his name rhymes with Nanny Lamirez. You do the math.

Tag Team of the Year
That same Nanny Lamirez guy from above and Shawn Chacon. If only they had Bobby "The Brain" Heenan as their manager, we wouldn't be so critical of them beating up elderly front-office personnel.

The Babe Ruth Fitness Award (also known as the "Have A Salad" or the "Lay Off The Roast Beef")
Miguel Cabrera, Detroit Tigers

The Just Give Him A Managerial Job And Shut Him Up Already Award
Gary Carter

The Just Take Away His Managerial Job And Shut Him Up Already Award
Ozzie Guillen

Model Citizen of the Year
Jose Guillen, Kansas City Royals
Just go away already, Jose. Kansas City is lucky they have anybody show up for the games at all. And then you go and verbally berate them. Not cool.

The What Ever Happened To Names Like Roy White Award
Micah Kilakila Ka'aihue, Kansas City Royals

CTRL+Z Award
Los Angeles Dodgers
Overheard in the LA front offices: "Hey, is there anyway we can undo that Andruw Jones signing?"

The Did We Really Make That Trade Award
Victor Zambrano for Scott Kazmir
Ok, we know that trade didn't happen this season. But we think it was so bad that it should win the award every year. Or at least until the Mets win another World Series.

The You Must Be This Tall To Ride This Ride Award
Dustin Pedroia

Hey, Weren't We Supposed To Be Good?
Seattle Mariners

Philadelphia Eagles fans have reason to be concerned this morning. After Sunday's 13-13 tie against the listless Cincinnati Bengals, Donovan McNabb told reporters that he didn't even know ties were an option in the NFL (full story). With that startling revelation, we decided to educate the veteran quarterback on a few other football rules that he may not be aware of:

• Extra points, which occur after scoring a touchdown, count for one (1) point.
• 6+1=7, also known as a touchdown plus extra point.
• When it's 1st and 10, your team needs 10 yards for a first down (new set of downs).
• The team with the most points at the end of the game is declared the winner.
• The Super Bowl is the championship game. Its intensity can cause a quarterback to choke under pressure... oh wait, he already knows that.

Evander Holyfield has announced he wants another shot at becoming the undisputed champion. No, seriously, he does.

"My goal is to be undisputed champion, not just to win one title," Holyfield said at a news conference Tuesday.

We're not clairvoyant over here at The Max, but we do know that Holyfield should step back into the ring the same way Michael Jordan should come out of retirement for the trillionth time. But Holyfield is going to do what he wants, so if the 46-year-old former champ really wants to prove he's still got what it takes, here's the best, safest option for him:

Cozy up in front of the TV, get his old Sega Genesis out of the attic, blow the dust off of it, and play Evander Holyfield's "Real Deal" Boxing, which is also known as the worst video game on planet Earth. If he can't play as himself, Holyfield should use the Game Genie to get to the final round, where he'd play against himself, and then throw the fight.This way he can see himself hold up his title belt one last time and he won't get pummeled like Apollo Creed at the beginning of Rocky IV. (Watch Apollo get smashed up by Ivan Drago to really slow, cheesy music.)

Email us: themax_blog@ymail.com

NEW YORK -- Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was involved with insider trading back in June 2004, the U.S. Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) announced Monday. The news about Cuban, known for his passion and inability to keep his enormous yap shut, wasn't a shock to many people. But there was one Mavericks fan living in New York who was very vocal about the outspoken owner.

We're not sure what tennis star Andy Murray is doing in this picture, but we've put together two ideas:

1. Eating an invisible apple (which looks like a Granny Smith brand).
   
2. Trying to woo a potential love interest by showing how well he kisses air.

Email: themax_blog@ymail.com

For years, people categorized Enzo Calzaghe's supposed visions of a giant man as early signs of Alzheimer's. But this photo finally grants credence to the claims of the father of boxing great Joe Calzaghe.

You're probably looking at this picture thinking the same thing we were: Cool! It's the final scene in 1984's smash-hit movie, The Karate Kid! 

To see just how close Ireland's Liam Miller (aka Liam-son) and Brazil's Silva Gilberto (left) were to creating a flawless rendition of the classic battle between Daniel LaRusso and Cobra Kai's Johnny Lawrence, watch the video we've posted below.

Warning: Watching Daniel "The Karate Kid" LaRusso in action may cause you to leap out of your seat, perform martial arts moves on an invisible opponent and generally disrupt other people who are pretending to be busy near your workspace.


 


Email us: themax_blog@ymail.com

It's Friday, and you know what that means - stop being so productive at work and surf the web. Here are some links that might help you get started:

The Hockey Hall of Fame ceremony was held at, none other than, Steve's place. (The Onion)

Gilbert Arenas believes in change. Don't believe him? Shake his hand. (Intentional Foul)

The TV Sports Theme Song Quiz will have you scratching your head. (Mental Floss)

The Blazers Dancers have gotten new outfits. Truth is that we really don't care. But the fact that they are new means that it's news and gives us the opportunity to link to some beautiful babies, as Vince Vaughn would say in Swingers. (Blaze of Love)

NBA jerseys: There's been some bad ones over the past 10 years. (Bad Jerseys)

YouTube Video of the Day
Ok, so it's really from ESPN. But we can't give up our awesome branding of "YouTube Video of the Day," especially since its been in existence since, like, October. Thanks to the YES web guy for sending us this link.

Atlanta Falcons nose tackle Grady Jackson has filed a lawsuit against diet pill manufacturer Nikki Harrell's StarCaps. The pills, which contain Bumentanide, a diuretic prohibited by the NFL, led to Jackson's four-game suspension from the league.

Personally, The Max wouldn't eat a Nikki Harrell StarCap just like we wouldn't buy an automobile from Sketchy Pete's Car Stash. Apparently Jackson has different standards for what he'll put into his body.

Regardless of what kind of rat poison this pill turned out to be, Jackson sill has a case here, it's just his angle is all wrong. For a guaranteed win in court, he needs only to present the photo below to demonstrate that StarCrap's pills are as useless as a football team in Detroit. Here is an excerpt from our fictional court date with Jackson and his lawyer:

Jackson's Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the old saying goes that the proof is in the pudding. The thing is, when Mr. Jackson is at the dinner table -- even after eating StarCap diet pills -- there is no pudding left. Just as there is no cake, cookies or pastries left. My only evidence would be the Exhibit A. If those pills are working, it has a flawless way of not showing it. We rest our case."





Drop us an email because you're as bored as we are: themax_blog@ymail.com

Face it, you get a little heated ever time you see a below-average-looking athlete walking around with a supermodel on his arm. It's ok, we do too. But don't get mad at the athlete just because he "out-kicked his coverage." The truth is you should be congratulating him for taking advantage of his status. And that's exactly what we will be doing here, as we look to crown the first-ever Out-Kicked His Coverage Champion.

Everyday, we'll pit two athletes up against each other, and you'll have the opportunity to vote on which man you think has taken advantage of his celebrity status the most. To clarify, you're not voting for the most attractive woman. You're choosing the guy who would not be with that girl if he wasn't an athlete. So for example, Tom Brady really shouldn't make it out of the first round because he's a damn good looking guy (that's right, we said it), and could probably date anybody he wants. Tim Hasselbeck, on the other hand, well, he'd probably be dating the likes of Roseanne Barr if it wasn't for his NFL status.

Editor's note: Due to the controversy surrounding this competition at SI.com's Hot Clicks, The Max has suspended the producer of this post for 15 games. Being the fan-friendly blog that we are, we will also put Marko Jaric into the competition, replacing 31 seed Mike Modano (let's face it, he could probably score Willa Ford without his skating prowess).

Continue reading '2008 Out-Kicked His Coverage Championship'...

The names Kenny and Roger are common in America, so it's understandable that there are two grown gentlemen with the name Kenny Rogers who have free agency news that needs delivered. 

Tom Brady, the most handsome quarterback on the Patriots, has returned to Foxborough much to the chagrin of New England fans. However, when word spread that Brady was back to work in the training room, people automatically assumed it had something to do with the two surgeries that have taken place on his mangled knee. However, this was not the case.

After Kurt Warner's 328-yard performance against the 49ers this week, many members of the New York media have already awarded the former Giants quarterback the MVP award. Ironically, the other two contenders might just be Kerry Collins and Eli Manning.

What do the three of these men have in common? They've all been backup quarterbacks for the G-Men at some point in their careers. When news of this reached Tommy Maddox, the former Giants QB reportedly began warming up his ol' pigskin slinger in hopes of landing a quarterback job next season.

The only problem is, other than the Detroit Lions, no team in their right mind would employ the former backup. Why is that, you ask? No, it's not because he's 37 years old. The real answer is after the jump. Be sure to click the link below.

Continue reading 'Tommy Maddox next year's NFL MVP?'...

After an exhausting three years of existence, the Washington Nationals have changed their uniform design. The organization unveiled the new-look unis at a press conference held last Thursday in the nation's capital. Modeling the uniforms were outfielders Roger Bernadina and Austin Kearns... oh wait... no, that's not right. Those were actually two female models that could probably hit better than .217, which neither Bernadina nor Kearns could do last season.

By the way, these are the same Washington Nationals that had a Major League low 59 wins last season. And if you're keeping score at home, they also owned the third worst ERA and batting average in the National League. It's good to see they are spending their off-season wisely by designing cute new uniforms. Forget finding somebody who can hit more than 14 home runs in a season (which nobody did for them last season), go get new unis... good idea!

According to a source close to the team, the Nationals' to-do list looks something like this:

1. Finish in last place

2. Vote

3. Re-design uniforms

4. Rent Sex and the City

5. Book trip back to Montreal Botanical Garden (that was fun)

6. Cut Lastings Milledge's hair

7. Find out what R.I.S.P stands for

8. Go to Winter Meetings

9. Call Phillies... Willy Mo Pena for Ryan Howard?

We're pleased to report that our e-mail box is overflowing with positive responses for our Friday Surfing The Web feature. However, it does concern us a bit that one of our most popular regular features is about other sites' greatness. Oh well. As always, here's a few links to help you be unproductive at work. Enjoy:

The Sports Hernia has found Kenyon Martin's girlfriend. Continue...

Mental Floss wants to know if you can name 18 World Series MVPs in five minutes (Here's a hint: You cant!). Continue...

Mouthpiece likes to make fun of people more successful than them just as much as we do. Continue...

The Morning Call reports that a woman died at a Blackhawks game. Ironically, her mother did the same in 1986. No joke. Continue...

WWE has posted cheats for its upcoming game. However, we wonder who would actually want to play as Jillian Hall. Continue...

We hate the Dallas Cowboys, but love their cheerleaders. Thanks, Si.com. Continue...

Sports Crackle Pop has a not-so-newsworthy story about Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett. But we liked the photo. Continue...

YouTube Video of the Week
More than ever, we want to be LeBron James when we grow up.

 

YouTube Video of the Week II, The Sequel
Pretty much anything with Tracy Morgan is funny, but this one reveals his relation to Kimberly "Kimbo" Slice.

A late-breaking story Thursday revealed that some baseball general manager's want Wild-Card tiebreakers to be decided by performance rather than a coin flip.

C'mon, judging by performance? This isn't American Idol, it's baseball. It's America's pastime. It's what keeps my television occupied from May-October. It's the sport that gives young kids a dream that they can be a World Series hero and get paid millions of dollars. (That is, until they get past the age of 13 and realize that scenario's about as probable as the Lions getting a Super Bowl ring.)

The point is, a performance-based mode of judgment isn't what's needed. Instead, we need something based on skill, and there's no better way to test someone's skills than to challenge them to a best-of-three game of Rock, Paper Scissors. It's quick, and ties never last.

Forgot how to play? Here is a refresher of the rules:



To let the baseball GM's know they're wrong, The Max is starting a fictional online petition, and we're putting everyone's name on it that sends us and email to show their support. All you need to do is send an email to this address and we'll take care of the rest: themax_blog@ymail.com

After watching the Oklahoma City Thunder's recent home opener, The Max editorial staff began to debate if there was a worse name in the history of pro sports. We were shocked when we came up with a lengthy list of even more embarrassing names. Here's our Top 10:

No. 10: Houston Texans
To be honest, we actually don't mind this name all that much, largely because those rotten residents of The Lone Star State have done such a great job branding themselves as tough guys. Nolan Ryan and Stone Cold Steve Austin immediately come to mind. But naming your team after the state you reside in seems just plain boring. We should probably be glad they don't hail from Dix Hills, New Jersey. Do you think any NFL team would be afraid to see the Dix Hills New Jerseyans on their schedule? Or how about the Stamford Connecticutians?

No. 9: Washington Wizards
Cut the garbage and go back to the Bullets. Now, there's a name with some umph! The Wizards? Sounds like their starting five should consist of a bunch of nose-picking Dungeons & Dragons dorks. Watch out, LeBron. Here comes Merlyn the Wizard. He might zap you with his super fake wand on his way to the hoop.

No. 8 (tie): Browns, Blues and Reds
Sounds more like fall fashions than sports teams. And yes, we understand that these squads have a great deal of history behind them and that their names were created when such stupidity was actually applauded. But that doesn't mean they should keep their names now. We also rode around in horse and buggies back then; does that mean we should abandon our cars? Perhaps we should just be happy that there is no Mauves or Aquas out there... yet!

No. 7: Utah Jazz
Ok, we've never been to Utah. Nor do we plan on going there any time soon (we have a hard enough time scoring one girl at a time). But we have a funny feeling that there isn't a ton of jazz music being played in Utah. The name made sense when they called New Orleans home. But they don't any more, so they should change their names just like the Oklahoma Thun... oh wait, never mind. That name stinks too.

No. 6: Denver Nuggets
We suppose that this is a play off of Denver's wildly unpopular mining population. Sounds more like something left you know where after an unsuccessful flush.

Continue reading 'The List: Top 10 dumbest pro sports team names'...

A 73-year-old full-time student from Knoxville, Tenn. netted two points in a college junior varsity game on Monday, the AP reported (see story below). 

Detroit Lions newcomer Daunte Culpepper participated in his first practice Wednesday, and early reports from the Motor City have stated Culpepper, a three-time Pro Bowl selection, looked "good" and "solid" in his debut.

The Max can confirm that those reports are, in fact, true.

"I've never seen Daunte look so good," one teammate said. "And I'm not even talking about his throwing arm, I'm talking about his shiny teeth! The glow from his smile was so powerful I had to put on my shades. Who knows, maybe the guy can still play football, but even if he can't, he can still light up a room with those glossy ivories."





Give us an email and we promise we might look at it: themax_blog@ymail.com.

Now that the election is over and the country has chosen Obama to move into the White House, it's time to play some Monday Morning Quarterback with the 2008 election. In looking at the Xs and Os of the republican campaign, some say that selecting Sarah Palin may have been John McCain's biggest flaw.

With that, The Max looks at some personalities from the athletic world that McCain may have been better off choosing:

JOE PATERNO
At 97 years old (or something like that), selecting Penn State football coach Joe Paterno certainly doesn't seem like the logical choice. But if you prop him up next to the presidential hopeful, he would definitely help make Old Man McCain look like a kid again. Let's face it, McCain's no spring chicken. But next to Joe Pa, even Moses would look young. Plus, we would be very interested in hearing Paterno's stance on social security reform, seeing as he has been collecting since Herbert Hoover was in office.

 

CHYNA
Clearly, McCain thought he could gain all the Hillary Clinton supporters by naming Sarah Palin as his running mate. But he failed to recognize that she was more like somebody America wanted to hook up with, not vote for. Plus, she didn't really possess much toughness, despite all of her efforts to prove people otherwise.

With Chyna, though, McCain would've gotten the female vote, while never having had to worry about people wanting to hook up with her (we're getting sick just thinking about it). And he'd have a lady in his corner that could kick some butt, if needed. McCain's only concern might be seeing the self-proclaimed Ninth Wonder of the World leave the White House to go star in some ridiculously-bad VH1 reality show with Vanilla Ice and Danny Bonaduce.

 

Continue reading 'Palin the problem? McCain should've looked to the athletic world for VP'...

The Daily News is reporting that Brian Cashman is thinking about bringing Carl Pavano back to the Yankees. Our only guess is that President Bush, as one of his final moves that make you go hmmm, has moved April Fools' Day to November. Either that or a cold front has made its way into hell.

Pistons fans across the Detroit area celebrated when news broke that they acquired perennial All-Star Allen Iverson on Monday. Unfortunately, Rodney Stuckey, the Pistons second-year guard, is feeling a little differently. According to reports, Stuckey feels attached to his uniform number (3) and doesn't plan on handing it over to the legendary guard, who has been wearing the number since Stuckey was in elementary school. Instead, if Iverson wants it so badly, Stuckey hopes to somehow sell it or strike some type of deal with his new teammate.

Hey, Stuckey. We Googled you to find out exactly who you are (seriously, we never heard of you before). Here's what we found: You've been in the league for a cup of coffee. Iverson averages more than 10 points (and 4 assists) a  game than you. And you're a baby.

We know, it's hard for you to hear these things. But to help you make up for your selfish behavior, we've compiled the Top 10 things you should do for Allen Iverson to prove you understand your new role on the team:

10. Give yourself a wedgie to save Iverson the time of having to do it himself.

9. Blow on his car tires to cool them off after a long trip.

8. Physically change the channels on his TV when his batteries die.

7. Sing him lullabies when he has trouble falling asleep.

6. Teach him how to spell the word "three." (Good luck)

5. Give him your lunch money.

4. Lose to him in NBA '09 to help boost his confidence.

3. Walk him to practice (Seriously... with him on your back... in snow, uphill both ways)

2. Cut his meat before sitting down to dinner.

1. Give him the uniform number 3 and any other uniform number divisible by 3. Then forget the number 3 ever existed. Take it out of your vocabulary completely. No joke!

Desperately seeking admission into a sold-out event sometimes causes people, The Max included, to purchase tickets from strangers at the venue who have somehow come across an abundance. There's a high risk of being ripped off... and that's exactly what happened on Nov. 2 in Lubbock, Texas.

About 500 fans that thought they'd be permitted to enter the stadium to watch the Texas-Texas Tech game were surprised when they were refused entry for possessing counterfeit tickets. After forking over about 200 bucks for what turned out to be worthless pieces of paper, the guys and gals who got scammed were outraged. And so was The Max ... until we actually looked at one of the phony tickets. Then we reversed our decision and felt it was the buyers' fault. You be the judge:

First Chad Johnson changes his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. Good idea, by the way (sarcasm). Then some loser in England named George Garratt goes and changes his handle to, and we're not joking, Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.

Oh, man! At first, we were bummed that this kid would change his name to such a nose-pickingly dorky name. But after thinking about it some more, we're even more upset that the poor kid will now never know what it's like to be with a woman. Way to go!

After thinking about the two idiotic name changes above, The Max started to brainstorm names that would have been better ideas than Ocho Cinco and that Captain Dorko dude. We came up with approximately 100 names in less than one minute. Pretty much, anything would be better than those ridiculous names. But we did find one name that everybody agreed would be a home run: The Max! That's right, first name "The" last name "Max."

With that, The Max is starting the biggest contest in the history of the Internet... well, the biggest contest in the history of Internet sites called TheMax.YESNetwork.com. We are offering the large sum of $100, as well as a Jack Maxwell signed baseball to any reader who changes his (or her) name to The Max. First name: The. Last name: Max.

For those of you that do participate in the contest, simply e-mail us to let us know: themax_blog@ymail.com.

It should also be noted that any readers changing their names to Joe Momma will get $10 and a Jack Maxwell signed sticky note. We're just throwing it out there as an option.

As we do every Monday, The Max offers an in-depth look at the most important numbers of the past week in sports and entertainment. Take a look:

Past editions of Fun With Numbers:

• Oct. 27, 2008
• Oct. 20, 2008

Looks like the Pittsburgh Steelers have hired Jared Retkofsky, a guy who used to lift sofas for a living, as their new long snapper following an incident against the Giants last week where fill-in snapper James Harrison launched a snap so far over the punter's head that the ball may still be in orbit.

What people don't know, and maybe even something Retkofsky doesn't know, is that he was actually the Steelers' fifth choice for the job. The other potential candidates for the position had various reasons for declining -- the strangest being the inability to work because he was on the lam for theft.

In addition to the professional burglar, a mayor, a cop and a clown were all offered the job before Jared the Mover. It sounds confusing, we know, so we made a diagram to clear it all up:



Representatives from McDonaldland, where Mayor McCheese, Officer Big Mac, the Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald all reside, have not returned calls or emails from The Max.

However, Grimace did have this to say: