The Max

Superman and soccer don't mix

2009-05-05T15:59:22Z

Check out this guy's superman move...

Leo, Tobey ignore Kobe at Lakers game

2009-04-29T15:31:11Z

We had a pal sitting behind Tobey Maguire and Lonardo DiCaprio at Game 5 of the Lakers-Jazz series. We don't plan on boring people with their sports talk -- which was minimal, anyway -- but what we would like to shed light on was the discussion between the two mega-actors about joining forces for "Spider-Man 4: Venomous Territory" and "Titanic 2: Return of Jack." Kobe Bryant could have been one of those ridiculous FatHead stickers for all these two cared. It was 90 percent business talk, baby. The game was an afterthought.

The verdict: "Spider-Man 4" can't recover from the letdown of "Spider-Man 3" (the franchise is now ruined) even if Leo played the villain, and "Titanic 2: Return of Jack" will be awesome because Leo is in it and the female audience (the ones who grew up in the 90s) will show up in droves.

As for the Lakers... who cares about them as long as LeBron and the Cavs are still around? We're so done with Kobe.

Most ridiculous first pitches

2009-04-24T18:35:18Z

The San Diego Padres recently celebrated Earth Day by having a representative of the Steinhart Aquarium throw out the ceremonial first pitch while holding a red-tail boa constrictor... nothing says baseball like a snake! The silly sight made us think of some of the most ridiculous ceremonial first pitches in baseball history. Here's what we came up with. Did we miss any?

Chris Andrews, Steinhart Aquarium, 4/22/09, San Diego Padres
Al "igator Arms" Roker, 10/15/07, Cleveland Indians

The Today Show weatherman "threw out" the first pitch before Game 3 of the 2007 ALCS. For such a big guy, it sure does look like his arms shrunk. Come on, aligator arms, throw the thing.
Al "igator Arms" Roker, 6/10/08, Boston Red Sox
You would think that after looking like a complete fool in the above image, The Roker wouldn't dare step on an MLB mound again. Not the case. As you can see, he had no problem struggling through another first pitch in Boston.
Chew-Freaking-Bacca, Seriously... Chewbacca, 9/28/05, Boston Red Sox
Looks like the lefty has no problem picking up the babes. Who knew Princess Leia liked 'em hairy?
Chewbacca... again, 8/22/06, Florida Marlins
This time, Chewy has traded in his lovely lady for an Ewok. Bad call, dude. Hey, wait a minute, we thought Chewbacca was a lefty. Something's fishy here.
Sgt. Slaughter, 6/30/07, Florida Marlins
The Marlins went from fake (Chewbacca) to faker when they invited former WWE Champion Sgt. Slaughter to throw out the first pitch. We're pretty sure that he lubed up the ball with some Vaseline when the ump wasn't looking.
Santa, 7/18/08, Florida Marlins
Believe it or not, the Marlins move more towards reality by allowing Santa throw out the first pitch against the Phillies. Yes, The Max considers Santa to be more of a reality than wrestling.
Victoria Beckham, 6/11/07, L.A. Dodgers
I guess when you're as hot as Victoria Beckham, it doesn't matter that you zero athletic ability. Is she intentionally trying to throw an eephus pitch?
Mariah Carey, 5/28/08, Yomiuri Giants
See Victoria Beckham.
Donald Trump, 8/18/06, Boston Red Sox
There are few things better than seeing a man richer than you unintentionally make his constipated face in public.
Punxsutawney Phil, 9/19/04, Pittsburgh Pirates
Only the Pirates would drag Punxy Phil out to the mound in September.

Bayonne girl 'perfect' fit for the Mets

2009-04-24T12:59:15Z

Earlier this week, 12-year-old Mackenzie Brown became the first girl in Bayonne Little League history to throw a perfect game. The amazing accomplishment did not go unnoticed by the New York Mets, who have asked her to throw out the first pitch on Saturday.

The Max's investigative reporting department is also looking into rumors that Mets general manager Omar Minaya plans on offering Brown a contract to replace, well, basically any of his starting pitchers (sans Johan Santana).

Whats werse? Nationals rekord or speling?

2009-04-20T21:23:11Z

Hybrid being redefines 'ugly'

2009-04-20T17:44:43Z

From our beady eyes, draw-bridge noses, even the tacky flannel golf pants we wear around the office, The Max knows how to look unattractive.

But at least we're don't take it to the level of Dennis/Denise Rodman. For that, we're grateful (and slightly more appealing):

Here's the issue with overambitious fans

2009-04-17T14:39:30Z

There are at least two downsides to grown men dressing like goons when attending a professional sporting event:

We've heard of dads threatening to go to their kid's school in a pair of Underoos to embarrass them, but the display above could be a step beyond that. Next time you plan to put on a wig, a hat with horns or paint on your face or chest prior to a sporting contest please refer to this posting or watch the episode of Seinfeld where David Puddy attends the Devils' playoff game to realize just how stupid the idea really is:

What Madden's retirement means to The Max

2009-04-16T16:59:43Z

Legendary at The Max often ridicule Madden for the incoherent drivel that he mumbles into the microphone during games -- one person here calls him the Paula Abdul of Sunday Night Football (This link will explain why) -- there's no denying the veteran's accomplishments: giving two of our writers Carpel tunnel syndrome from playing his video games for hours at a time while in college. (Yes, we went to college.) Our scars will forever remind us of you, John... and that's pretty sad.

While it serves as an end to an era in the sports commentating world, it also serves as an end to an era in our own little world. You see, the 2009 season will be the first time in 29 years that we will have the volume turned up for a football game that Madden would have been calling. While we may not miss his voice, we do have one request: Please do at least one more commercial pointing out the perils of Athlete's foot. If your deal with Tanactin remains, parden the pun, intact, we'll be satisfied and the world will be a better (and less itchy) place.

(All joking aside, John Madden -- love him or hate him -- did add a lot to the game of football. His passion, respect and love for the sport is undeniable, and the NFL was lucky to have someone like him in its corner for so long.)

If Artie Lange got involved in sports he'd be...

2009-04-14T15:25:16Z

Posted by ZZ

Artie Lange: Bowler

Radio personality, actor, author and walking heart attack, Artie Lange, wouldn't fit many places in the sports world. Actually, judging by the mass standing behind that microphone in the right half of the photo, Lange wouldn't be a fit many places in the world, period.

But there may be one sport the larger-than-life Lange could slide into flawlessly: bowling.

It's a perfect fit. He certainly has the physique and the guy can obviously down a few pitchers of brew per frame. Isn't that all the criteria one needs to be a bowler?

--------------------------

Paris Hilton: A golf tee

Let's face it, Paris Hilton isn't good for much besides collecting small dogs to use as purse ornaments, vomiting quotes that takes the women's movement back a few decades and exploiting ignoramouses that want to be her new BFF (reference awful MTV shows for more on this).

As far as a job in sports goes, she doesn't have the coordination to win a spot as a ball girl and she's not fit enough to be the flag attached to the uprights on a goalpost.

Really, the only spot she could fill would be serving as a golf tee. All she has to do is stand still, (attempt) to look pretty and keep her big yap shut.

Of course, asking her to complete three tasks at once may be pushing it.

Florida International announces imminent end to its basketball program

2009-04-14T14:13:23Z

Golf to have 'sport' privilege revoked?

2009-04-13T19:17:39Z

Just one day after Angel Cabrera captured the Masters, rumors are circulating that the Gaming Association of Sports is considering revoking golf's right to call itself a sport.

"After seeing a considerably overweight individual such as Cabrera win the most prestigious championship in the game," said Mack Dixon, G.A.S. President, "it's clear that we need to re-assess whether or not golf is a sport. You obviously don't need to be an athlete to win this thing."

According to reports, G.A.S. is tinkering with the idea of slapping golf with the "game" label, rather than "sport." This will put it in the same category as Darts, Pool and everybody's favorite lawn game, Jarts.

"Yes, we are considering this change," admits Dixon. "After all, what makes it any different than pool? In both games, you're trying to get the ball in the hole. Golf just takes a little while longer."

Update: The Max has learned that G.A.S. is also toying with the idea of revoking the sport privilege to the following "sports." Do you think they should be considered sports?

Fishing
NASCAR
Archery
NHL

On the flip side, we are also hearing the following events may soon earn the "sports" label:

Beirut (aka Beer Pong)
Wiffle Ball
Marco Polo
Flashlight Tag
Rock, Paper, Scissors

Which of the below events most deserves to be called a sport? ( polls)

Bobcats horrible record explained

2009-04-09T21:08:21Z

A Sterling homerun call

2009-04-09T19:21:43Z

Note: We originally ran this in January. But after today's HR by Nick Swisher, it appears as though John Sterling still does not have a call prepared for the new Yankees outfielder. So let's keep voting below. We'll give the results to our guy at YES to give to Sterling.

Don't look now, but Spring Training is less than a month away. And with the additions of pitchers CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, as well as big bats Mark Teixeira and Nick Swisher (yeah, we added Swish to the list), this season is promising to be one of the most exciting in recent New York baseball memory. But while most fans are getting geared up to see the new Yanks don the prestigious pinstripes, we're actually more excited to hear from Yankees famed radio announcer John Sterling this season.

Year after year, our favorite part of a new baseball season is hearing Sterling's homerun calls for the newest Bombers. Sans Johnny Damon's "demonic" call, we always get a hoot out of his creativity. As we approach the 2009 campaign, The Max takes a look at what Sterling's calls for the new Yankees bats might be. Let us know which ones you like and we'll pass it along to the YES guys (to hopefully pass it along to Sterling):

Mark Teixeira

It's just not fair-a, Mark Teixeira!
It's Tex Time for the Bombers
Texual healing, oh baby! (a play off Marvin Gaye's song, Sexual Healing)
Mark sends a Tex message
Tex is on the Mark
Mark it down!
How dare ya, Mark Teixeira
Teixeira tattoos one
Tex connects!

Which homerun call do you like best for Mark Teixeira? ( surveys)

Nick Swisher

Swish goes boom!
Nick the Stick goes deep
Swish gets sweet
Nick is quick to the punch

How about Nick Swisher? ( polls)

Or maybe you don't like any of these options. That's ok. Just leave your recommendations below.

Inside the mind of The Max, part 8

2009-04-09T18:21:27Z

Here's the newest set of questions that have been occupying our every thought. Let us know if you're thinking what we're thinking.

Did you really expect the Yankees to go 162-0? Let's just settle for 160-2 and move on.
Why is it big news that Terrell Owens reported to late to Bills voluntary workouts? It would be bigger news if he reported on time, don't you think?
Do you find Kimberly Jones and Bob Lorenz's blogs as refreshing as we do? More baseball personalities should do this.
France's anti-doping agency claims Lance Armstrong broke its rules. Do you care? We sure as heck don't. Go away, Lance.
Shouldn't we all take it easy on Joba Chamberlain (regarding his comments, not the whole DUI thing)? We've all said stupid things in the past. Heck, The Max posts stupid things on this blog all the time. It doesn't mean we don't love Yogi.
After one inning in Texas today, Carl Pavano gave up five earned runs. Maybe we should be happy that he rarely pitched for the Yankees, right? No, we're not bitter.
As we write this, Mark Teixeira just went yard. OK Baltimore, you now have a reason to boo him. (So that wasn't in the form of a question. What is this, jeopardy?)

Max Madness

2009-04-09T17:29:51Z

Congratulations to The 'Burgh Blues for bringing a championship to Pittsburgh. They defeated Eat, Sleep, Baseball in a close one -- 53% for Blues, 47% for Eat, Sleep.