Filling holes in 2009

13 Oct

There’s a closet on the third floor of The Max world headquarters in Dix Hills, NY, that very few people know about. Inside, there’s a bunch of stuff very few people would care about… A box of misprinted Max T-shirts (they read The Macs), the latest NKOTB album and soccer (yes, the entire sport).

Anyway, tucked away in the very back is an operational crystal ball. Even though we already know the answer, we asked the ball if the Yankees would pick up Jason Giambi’s option for 2009. The prophetic answer we were given was “outlook not so good.” With that, the Bombers clearly have an important hole to fill next season. No, not at first base. This one’s more important. Who’s gonna step up and wear the team’s mustache? Here’s our top options:

Joba Chamberlain
joba.jpg
This kid was born to do two things: Be a major league pitcher and wear a mean mustache. We’re not talking about one of those girly ‘staches Johnny Depp sports every now and then; we see him in a Yosemite Sam (but slightly smaller).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bobby Abreu
abreu1.jpg
We’re guessing Abreu can’t pull off the hairy ‘stache of Joba Chamberlain. But he could probably make Jimmy Buffett jealous with his version of the pencil-thin job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alex Rodriguez
arod.jpg
Undoubtedly, A-Rod would have the most perfectly manicured mustache in the history of the world. And he’d probably finish it off with a few blonde highlights, just to match his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ian Kennedy
kennedy.jpg
What? You can’t see it? You just have to squint your eyes a little bit. It’s there, and we’re very proud of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mike Mussina

moosestache.jpg

Assuming Moose returns for another year in pinstripes, we suggest he dust off the fake ‘stache he wore during Jason Giambi Day at the Stadium this past season. He looks darn good with that thing on. But coupled with the shades, he slightly resembles an incognito Bobby Valentine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Derek Jeter

jeter.jpgDuring this morning’s editorial meeting, we took a vote and 100 percent of The Max believes the captain should take one for the team and grow a fade on his upper lip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BallHype: hype it up!

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