The San Diego Padres recently celebrated Earth Day by having a representative of the Steinhart Aquarium throw out the ceremonial first pitch while holding a red-tail boa constrictor… nothing says baseball like a snake! The silly sight made us think of some of the most ridiculous ceremonial first pitches in baseball history. Here’s what we came up with. Did we miss any?
Chris Andrews, Steinhart Aquarium, 4/22/09, San Diego Padres
Al “igator Arms” Roker, 10/15/07, Cleveland Indians
The Today Show weatherman “threw out” the first pitch before Game 3 of the 2007 ALCS. For such a big guy, it sure does look like his arms shrunk. Come on, aligator arms, throw the thing.Al “igator Arms” Roker, 6/10/08, Boston Red Sox
You would think that after looking like a complete fool in the above image, The Roker wouldn’t dare step on an MLB mound again. Not the case. As you can see, he had no problem struggling through another first pitch in Boston.Chew-Freaking-Bacca, Seriously… Chewbacca, 9/28/05, Boston Red Sox
Looks like the lefty has no problem picking up the babes. Who knew Princess Leia liked ’em hairy?Chewbacca… again, 8/22/06, Florida Marlins
This time, Chewy has traded in his lovely lady for an Ewok. Bad call, dude. Hey, wait a minute, we thought Chewbacca was a lefty. Something’s fishy here.Sgt. Slaughter, 6/30/07, Florida Marlins
The Marlins went from fake (Chewbacca) to faker when they invited former WWE Champion Sgt. Slaughter to throw out the first pitch. We’re pretty sure that he lubed up the ball with some Vaseline when the ump wasn’t looking.Santa, 7/18/08, Florida Marlins
Believe it or not, the Marlins move more towards reality by allowing Santa throw out the first pitch against the Phillies. Yes, The Max considers Santa to be more of a reality than wrestling.Victoria Beckham, 6/11/07, L.A. Dodgers
I guess when you’re as hot as Victoria Beckham, it doesn’t matter that you zero athletic ability. Is she intentionally trying to throw an eephus pitch?Mariah Carey, 5/28/08, Yomiuri Giants
See Victoria Beckham.Donald Trump, 8/18/06, Boston Red Sox
There are few things better than seeing a man richer than you unintentionally make his constipated face in public.Punxsutawney Phil, 9/19/04, Pittsburgh Pirates
Only the Pirates would drag Punxy Phil out to the mound in September.
Earlier this week, 12-year-old Mackenzie Brown became the first girl in Bayonne Little League history to throw a perfect game. The amazing accomplishment did not go unnoticed by the New York Mets, who have asked her to throw out the first pitch on Saturday.
The Max’s investigative reporting department is also looking into rumors that Mets general manager Omar Minaya plans on offering Brown a contract to replace, well, basically any of his starting pitchers (sans Johan Santana).
Legendary at The Max often ridicule Madden for the incoherent drivel that he mumbles into the microphone during games — one person here calls him the Paula Abdul of Sunday Night Football (This link will explain why) – there’s no denying the veteran’s accomplishments: giving two of our writers Carpel tunnel syndrome from playing his video games for hours at a time while in college. (Yes, we went to college.) Our scars will forever remind us of you, John… and that’s pretty sad.
While it serves as an end to an era in the sports commentating world, it also serves as an end to an era in our own little world. You see, the 2009 season will be the first time in 29 years that we will have the volume turned up for a football game that Madden would have been calling. While we may not miss his voice, we do have one request: Please do at least one more commercial pointing out the perils of Athlete’s foot. If your deal with Tanactin remains, parden the pun, intact, we’ll be satisfied and the world will be a better (and less itchy) place.
(All joking aside, John Madden — love him or hate him — did add a lot to the game of football. His passion, respect and love for the sport is undeniable, and the NFL was lucky to have someone like him in its corner for so long.)
Posted by ZZ
Artie Lange: Bowler
Radio personality, actor, author and walking heart attack, Artie Lange, wouldn’t fit many places in the sports world. Actually, judging by the mass standing behind that microphone in the right half of the photo, Lange wouldn’t be a fit many places in the world, period.
But there may be one sport the larger-than-life Lange could slide into flawlessly: bowling.
It’s a perfect fit. He certainly has the physique and the guy can obviously down a few pitchers of brew per frame. Isn’t that all the criteria one needs to be a bowler?
Paris Hilton: A golf tee
Let’s face it, Paris Hilton isn’t good for much besides collecting small dogs to use as purse ornaments, vomiting quotes that takes the women’s movement back a few decades and exploiting ignoramouses that want to be her new BFF (reference awful MTV shows
for more on this).
As far as a job in sports goes, she doesn’t have the coordination to win a spot as a ball girl and she’s not fit enough to be the flag attached to the uprights on a goalpost.
Really, the only spot she could fill would be serving as a golf tee. All she has to do is stand still, (attempt) to look pretty and keep her big yap shut.
Of course, asking her to complete three tasks at once may be pushing it.
Just one day after Angel Cabrera captured the Masters, rumors are circulating that the Gaming Association of Sports is considering revoking golf’s right to call itself a sport.
“After seeing a considerably overweight individual such as Cabrera win the most prestigious championship in the game,” said Mack Dixon, G.A.S. President, “it’s clear that we need to re-assess whether or not golf is a sport. You obviously don’t need to be an athlete to win this thing.”
According to reports, G.A.S. is tinkering with the idea of slapping golf with the “game” label, rather than “sport.” This will put it in the same category as Darts, Pool and everybody’s favorite lawn game, Jarts.
“Yes, we are considering this change,” admits Dixon. “After all, what makes it any different than pool? In both games, you’re trying to get the ball in the hole. Golf just takes a little while longer.”
Update: The Max has learned that G.A.S. is also toying with the idea of revoking the sport privilege to the following “sports.” Do you think they should be considered sports?
On the flip side, we are also hearing the following events may soon earn the “sports” label:
- Beirut (aka Beer Pong)
- Wiffle Ball
- Marco Polo
- Flashlight Tag
- Rock, Paper, Scissors
Which of the below events most deserves to be called a sport?