Archive | November, 2008

Cheney unveils new theory in Burress case

30 Nov

Dick Cheney can relate to Plaxico Burress’ recent gun troubles. In Feb. 2006, the U.S. Vice President accidentally mistook his hunting partner for a pheasant. Which means, apparently, the Veep’s hunting partner stood a few inches tall, had feathers, a tail and a multicolored face. Because that’s the only way that could actually happen, right? 

Citing the media was making the “same mistake twice” by releasing statements “without all the facts being sourced and checked,” Cheney put forth a bold theory as to what really happened at the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan early last Saturday morning between Plaxico Burress, his right thigh and a loaded weapon:
Cheney also recommended charging the gun for disobedience, the bullet for firing and circumstance for allowing such an event to take place.

Plax moves into first place tie

30 Nov

The Super Bowl shine has finally washed away from Plaxico Burress. But have no fear, things are starting to look up for the self-centered Giants wide receiver. Just days after shooting himself in the thigh, The Max has learned that Burress has now moved into a first place tie in the standings for New York’s Most Undeserving Athlete.

His co-leader in the standings could not be reached for comment:

Surfing the web

28 Nov

As you know, every Friday at The Max, we provide to you the most clever links we can find on the Internet. The hope is that we can pry you away from being productive at work. This week, however, we’re guessing you’re not at work… you know, ‘cuz of the whole Turkey Day thing. But that doesn’t mean we’re gonna take the day off, especially because we know that you may have the in-laws at your house. Use the below links as a way to waste time, rather than sitting at the kitchen table talking about how much you love watching the leaves change or the falling price of gas.

Scott Proctor’s Arm takes a look at the Yankee Stadium soundtrack. We are a little curious why they didn’t link to our version, which we published well before theirs. But we’re not bitter, and we like their work. We just wish they gave partial credit to The Max.
Speaking of the musical arts, has the worst band names of all time.
Hulk Hogan is getting taken to the cleaners by his wife.
The Max has long wondered how Lenny Dykstra is as successful as he is. The Sports Hernia, apparently, shares the same thought.
JSF looks at some of sports’ worst bodies. Very similar to our Thanksgiving piece, but they did their first. They win (That wasn’t so hard, Scott Proctor’s Arm).
Page 2’s Turkey of the Year Awards are somewhat funny. We wish we did a version; we just couldn’t find the time with all the sitting around and drinking.
YouTube Video of the Day
We first saw this at And while the Donovan McNabb thing is old news now, his stupidity will never get old to us. Here, Rosie explains ties to the Eagles QB:

Imagine this Turkey Day dinner conversation…

27 Nov

We were sitting here thinking, since we have no lives and work through the holidays, about what the conversation would be like if loudmouth former NFL receiver Keyshawn Johnson, flesh-bitin’ has-been Mike Tyson, drunken mess Courtney Love and overall BAMF Ray Lewis ate Thankgiving dinner together?

 We’re willing to bet that the
phrases below would be uttered at least once during the meal…






Who else can you picture at this dinner table, and what would they have to say? Leave us a comment or email us here:

Top 10 athletes who enjoy Thanksgiving dinner more than you

26 Nov

There’s nothing better than sitting down with your loved ones to share a nice slaughtered turkey on Thanksgiving. We know it’s your favorite day of the year. But, here’s a list of 10 athletes that love chowing down on turkey dinner more than you.

No. 10 Antonio Alfonseca

zalfonseca.jpgMost lists of this nature would probably have “Alf” (no, not Gordon Shumway) much higher on the list. But we here at The Max are not completely convinced that he’s a porker. Just look at the placement of his lard. Sits kinda high, doesn’t it? We’re gonna continue to investigate this one, but our instincts tell us that there’s a pillow stuffed in there.








No. 9 Jared Lorenzen

zlorenzen.jpgThis former Giants backup quarterback loves turkey so much that he can barely fit in this photo.











No. 8 Livan Hernandez

zlivan.jpgOur terrible cropping job doesn’t do Livan justice here. He’s clearly stretching prior to his daily run… to Dunkin’ Donuts.











No. 7 Bartolo Colon

zcolon.jpgWe feel kinda bad poking fun at Big Bart’s bulging belly, seeing as he went to great lengths to drop a few LBs while in Boston last season. But if you thought we were above making fun, you don’t know The Max. We have fairly low on morals.









No. 6 Miguel Cabrera

zcab.jpgIs he eating his way out of baseball, or what?












No. 5 Rich Garces

zgarces.jpgThe photo says it all. And while Miguel Cabrera may be eating his way out of baseball (present tense), Garces has already successfully eaten his way out of the bigs (past tense).








No. 4 Bob Wickman

zwick.jpgUnlike the others on this list, Bob Wickman looks like he would take joy in kicking our butts. That’s one mean looking dude, which is why we are holding back any witty comments (here’s your chance to say that we were holding back witty comments on the previous six, as well. Oh, you’re so mean).









No. 3 Bobby Jenks

zjenks.jpgWe’re noticing a pattern here. Why are most of these guys pitchers? Come on, guys. Take a jog in between starts. Or invest in a stationary bike. Even better – get a Bowflex; they really work… just watch their commercials.










No. 2 Prince Fielder

zprince.jpgThis guy’s as much a vegetarian as WWE is real. Who does he think he’s foolin’? But to be honest, we are a bit surprised to see him make this list. After all, his father is so svelte.








No. 1 John Daly  

zdaly.jpgNo surprise here. At least watching his downward spiral has been entertaining.

The Lions are actually, seriously, no kidding — No. 1

25 Nov

Even with a disturbing 0-11 record, the Detroit Lions are still the No. 1…


  • santa.jpgTeam that Santa will skip when cruising around distributing presents. The Clauses are big-time bettors, and the Lions have cost them dearly this year. Get ready for a big fat chunk of coal on Dec. 25, Detroit.
  • Biggest waste of Thanksgiving TV time in the history of pigskin.
  • Team where most players lie about their job. It’s widely known that around the Motor City the guys on the squad say they are lion tamers, not Lions players.
  • Owners of the dirtiest uniforms in the game. (Think about it — 11 sets of cleat marks have trampled their jerseys. That’s a lot of Shout.)
  • Reason the XFL is pushing for a comeback. “They’re just as lousy as we ever was,” cited former XFL star Otis “Hit Squad” Floyd.

What else are the Lions No. 1 at? Leave a comment or Email us: