Artie Lange: Bowler

Radio personality, actor, author and walking heart attack, Artie Lange, wouldn’t fit many places in the sports world. Actually, judging by the mass standing behind that microphone in the right half of the photo, Lange wouldn’t be a fit many places in the world, period.

But there may be one sport the larger-than-life Lange could slide into flawlessly: bowling.

It’s a perfect fit. He certainly has the physique and the guy can obviously down a few pitchers of brew per frame. Isn’t that all the criteria one needs to be a bowler?

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Paris Hilton: A golf tee

Let’s face it, Paris Hilton isn’t good for much besides collecting small dogs to use as purse ornaments, vomiting quotes that takes the women’s movement back a few decades and exploiting ignoramouses that want to be her new BFF (reference awful MTV shows for more on this).

As far as a job in sports goes, she doesn’t have the coordination to win a spot as a ball girl and she’s not fit enough to be the flag attached to the uprights on a goalpost.

Really, the only spot she could fill would be serving as a golf tee. All she has to do is stand still, (attempt) to look pretty and keep her big yap shut.

Of course, asking her to complete three tasks at once may be pushing it.