After watching the Oklahoma City Thunder’s recent home opener, The Max editorial staff began to debate if there was a worse name in the history of pro sports. We were shocked when we came up with a lengthy list of even more embarrassing names. Here’s our Top 10:
No. 10: Houston Texans
To be honest, we actually don’t mind this name all that much, largely because those rotten residents of The Lone Star State have done such a great job branding themselves as tough guys. Nolan Ryan and Stone Cold Steve Austin immediately come to mind. But naming your team after the state you reside in seems just plain boring. We should probably be glad they don’t hail from Dix Hills, New Jersey. Do you think any NFL team would be afraid to see the Dix Hills New Jerseyans on their schedule? Or how about the Stamford Connecticutians?
No. 9: Washington Wizards
Cut the garbage and go back to the Bullets. Now, there’s a name with some umph! The Wizards? Sounds like their starting five should consist of a bunch of nose-picking Dungeons & Dragons dorks. Watch out, LeBron. Here comes Merlyn the Wizard. He might zap you with his super fake wand on his way to the hoop.
No. 8 (tie): Browns, Blues and Reds
Sounds more like fall fashions than sports teams. And yes, we understand that these squads have a great deal of history behind them and that their names were created when such stupidity was actually applauded. But that doesn’t mean they should keep their names now. We also rode around in horse and buggies back then; does that mean we should abandon our cars? Perhaps we should just be happy that there is no Mauves or Aquas out there… yet!
No. 7: Utah Jazz
Ok, we’ve never been to Utah. Nor do we plan on going there any time soon (we have a hard enough time scoring one girl at a time). But we have a funny feeling that there isn’t a ton of jazz music being played in Utah. The name made sense when they called New Orleans home. But they don’t any more, so they should change their names just like the Oklahoma Thun… oh wait, never mind. That name stinks too.
No. 6: Denver Nuggets
We suppose that this is a play off of Denver’s wildly unpopular mining population. Sounds more like something left you know where after an unsuccessful flush.
No. 5: Chicago Cubs
We know, we know. The Cubs are a classic MLB team with a classic name… blah, blah, blah. You’re wrong! The name stinks. Essentially, they are calling themselves babies. Maybe the next expansion team should go by the Puppies or the Kittens.
No. 4: Charlotte Bobcats
Rumor has it that team founder Robert “Bob” Johnson chose the name Bobcats after himself, Bob. Talk about egotistical. Who would ever name anything they do for a living after themselves? By the way, isn’t The Max such a great name for this blog? Signed Jack Maxwell.
No. 3: Anaheim Ducks
What are they gonna do? Quack their opposition into submission? Even worse, they were named after a kids’ movie produced by Disney. Perhaps the Anaheim Cinderellas sounded too tough for them.
No. 2: Oakland Athletics
Athletics? So in translation, they are basically calling themselves the Oakland Sports. Or the Oakland Baseball. The only thing worse would have been naming the team the Oakland Athletes. And don’t even get us started on the A’s. You don’t see the Ducks calling themselves the D’s or the Bobcats going be the B’s or even the Mariners using the M’s… well, don’t compare yourself the Mariners. When was the last time they won a title?
No. 1: San Diego Padres
Nothing strikes fear into opposition like a bunch of balding, overweight, elderly monks. A padre is a monk, right? Oh, who cares. This is the same squad looking to rid themselves of Jake Peavy over a divorce in the front office.
By now, you’re probably asking yourself why the Washington Mystics of WNBA didn’t make the list. As mentioned at the beginning of this post, we chose to only focus on pro sports. Ouch!