- Name: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz
- ERA: 408.09
- Throws: Like a guy with no arms
- Bats: Scared of bats
- Record: .5 -1,000,001
Rumor has it that Abe — the self proclaimed “King of the Knuckleball” — is pursuing the Yanks for a multi-year deal. We hear he even sent a fruit basket that included a headshot to the Yankees front office. So much for subtlety, Abe.
What’s up with the face paint?
According to sources that know Mr. Schwartz, painting his face like a baseball helps Abe hone his inner knuckler, which dances more erratic than the people in this video:
Oh man, the guy has a fan club?
Yup, it’s true. The buzz has already started out in Arizona. They love the whole gimmick, and fans are pushing for the Diamondbacks to get moving on drafting something that would lock up Abe and his noodle arm until at least the first game of the season. Well, that might not be completely true.
How much money should Abe be offered to play for New York?
Whoa… back up a minute. Nobody said anything about giving Schwartz any money. We were thinking he’d play for free rozin bags or pine tar. With a record of .5 wins and more than a million losses, paying him a penny would require change.