Hot Stove News: Knuckleballer wants to be a Yankee

14 Dec

abemax.jpg

THE NEXT YANKEES ACE?
  • Name: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz
  • ERA: 408.09
  • Throws: Like a guy with no arms
  • Bats: Scared of bats
  • Record: .5 -1,000,001

Rumor has it that Abe — the self proclaimed “King of the Knuckleball” — is pursuing the Yanks for a multi-year deal. We hear he even sent a fruit basket that included a headshot to the Yankees front office. So much for subtlety, Abe.
What’s up with the face paint?

According to sources that know Mr. Schwartz, painting his face like a baseball helps Abe hone his inner knuckler, which dances more erratic than the people in this video:
 

abefanmax.jpgOh man, the guy has a fan club?

Yup, it’s true. The buzz has already started out in Arizona. They love the whole gimmick, and fans are pushing for the Diamondbacks to get moving on drafting something that would lock up Abe and his noodle arm until at least the first game of the season. Well, that might not be completely true.

How much money should Abe be offered to play for New York?
 

Whoa… back up a minute. Nobody said anything about giving Schwartz any money. We were thinking he’d play for free rozin bags or pine tar. With a record of .5 wins and more than a million losses, paying him a penny would require change.

2 Responses to “Hot Stove News: Knuckleballer wants to be a Yankee”

  1. juliasrants December 14, 2008 at 3:58 pm #

    You’ve gone & ruined everything now! How are the Diamondbacks (or the Yankees) going to sign this diamond in the rough now that you’ve spilled the beans to the whole world! Shame on you! 20 lashes with a grease pencil.

    Julia
    http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

  2. Jane Heller December 15, 2008 at 1:06 pm #

    This gives me hope. If he’s “pursuing a deal” with the Yankees then maybe I can sing the National Anthem on opening day.

    http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

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