We’re excited for baseball to return. What sports fan isn’t? But our excitement doesn’t cut it compared to the guy who shaped his hair into a baseball cap. We know when we’re beat, and we have no problems declaring you the big winner, pal. Congrats. ( Side note: We were wondering if he’s ever tried to flip it around and wear it backwards?)
Anyone ever heard of the toy, Skip It? If not, please refer to the illustration to the left. It’s a fairly simple concept.
Well, Skip It was one of those items that you saw advertised on TV (in 1989) but you never knew someone who wasted their money on one. Sort of like the Pet Rock.
Anyway, we think someone (namely Ashton Kutcher from Punk’d) should buy a whole bunch of them, hire an actor to play a strength coach and then use them at a station during drills at Spring Training. According to the new coach, here’s how the Skip It will help each player: “It muscles your speed. It strengthens your agility. And it agilitizes your endurance!”
With decent acting and no breaks in character from assistant coaches, you think anyone would bite and start skipping to agilitize their endurance? We think the most players on the Nationals would heavily consider it. Science tells us desperation tends to lower inhibitions.
We’re getting out the vote. Well, we’re actually seeking YOUR votes, so pitch in and let us know which Big League Chew flavor you stand behind. Vote in the poll below and leave a comment to let us know why you chose a certain flavor.
Grape. The taste is sweet, like if you dumped six pounds of sugar and added a hint of grape onto the shreds of Chew. We’re not huge fans of the color purple (not the movie, of course) because everyone at The Max despises the Vikings, but we won’t hold that against grape.
Strawberry. It’s strawberry-delicious. At least that’s what one test subject said when asked how he enjoyed his sample of strawberry BLC. In fact, he enjoyed it so much that he kicked The Max’s own Jeff Maxwell in the groin, snatched the entire pouch and ran off. Don’t believe us? It happened. Would we lie?
Watermelon. A nice refresher to combat our normal bad breath and the looming threat of the gum disease Gingivitis! Well, not really. Watermelon fights no disease and like all BLC, it’s loaded with sugar which doesn’t exactly help fight cavities. But watermelon did rank high in flavor and juiciness. Not gonna lie, we were upset that the seeds were removed. We love spitting them.
No, Barack Obama isn’t pulling a Michael Jordan and swapping one career for another. He’s also not pulling a Dick Cheney and getting what he wants with bully tactics.
In honor of soon-to-be President Obama, the Brooklyn Cyclones — a Class A affiliate of the New York Mets — will change their name to the “Baracklyn Cyclones” for their June 23rd game. They’ll also pass out Obama bobbleheads to the first 2,500 people that show up.
“Steve Cohen, our GM there, came up with it, and Dave Howard worked with him on it,” Mets chief operating office Jeff Wilpon said Tuesday. “I said, if you
think this is going to be good for ticket sales… let’s
go. It created a little bit of excitement.”
The bobbleheads aren’t all the Cyclones are doing: They’re also scaling back ticket prices to $5-$10 bucks from Jan. 20 — Inauguration Day — through Jan. 23., passing out Band-Aids to the first 1,000 fans as part of the “Universal Health Care” promotion, offering free bleacher seats to anybody named McCain or Palin and free entry to people named Barack. Oh, and Plumbers named Joe get two free tickets, too.
However, it should be noted that anyone with the name Bernie or Madoff will be ejected immediately. (Too soon for that joke, Mr. Wilpon?)
- Name: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz
- ERA: 408.09
- Throws: Like a guy with no arms
- Bats: Scared of bats
- Record: .5 -1,000,001
Rumor has it that Abe — the self proclaimed “King of the Knuckleball” — is pursuing the Yanks for a multi-year deal. We hear he even sent a fruit basket that included a headshot to the Yankees front office. So much for subtlety, Abe.
What’s up with the face paint?
According to sources that know Mr. Schwartz, painting his face like a baseball helps Abe hone his inner knuckler, which dances more erratic than the people in this video:
Oh man, the guy has a fan club?
Yup, it’s true. The buzz has already started out in Arizona. They love the whole gimmick, and fans are pushing for the Diamondbacks to get moving on drafting something that would lock up Abe and his noodle arm until at least the first game of the season. Well, that might not be completely true.
How much money should Abe be offered to play for New York?
Whoa… back up a minute. Nobody said anything about giving Schwartz any money. We were thinking he’d play for free rozin bags or pine tar. With a record of .5 wins and more than a million losses, paying him a penny would require change.