Ryan Ward, a 30-year-old dude from Toms River, N.J., pleaded guilty to scamming businesses for saying he was Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. Ward’s punishment was $2,518 in fines and he got placed on two years’ probation for doing snagging free drinks at bars and getting food comped because he told people he was the Joba Chamberlain.
Let’s run through the major differences between the man and the myth:
- One: Joba wears a Yankees hat. Ryan Ward wears a receding hairline.
- Two: Joba wears a pinstriped uniform. Ryan Ward wears a powder-blue checkered shirt from the bargain bin.
- Three: Restaurants go to Joba, he doesn’t go to them. Ryan Ward isn’t afraid to hit the drive-thru window multiple times per day.
- Four: Joba receives checks for endorsement deals. Ryan Ward writes checks and gets probation because he gets caught pretending to be other people.
- Five: Joba is the real deal. Ryan Ward is OK with being a phony, and would have probably kept acting like Joba if he didn’t get into trouble.
The best thing about sports — besides the actual game, scouting cheerleaders, nine innings worth of downing beers and munching on hot dogs — has to be when fans express their irritation when something goes wrong.
Ashley Simpson doesn’t lip sync for once, and she pays for it at the Orange Bowl:
Barry Bonds and his expanding head hears it from the crowd during an at-bat.
WWE fans get a “boring” chant going during yet another lame attempt at something funny from WWE “writers.”
Carl Lewis embarrasses himself in front of Michael Jordan and Chicago.
Sarah “Hockey Mom” Palin has few fans in Philly.
Yankees fans can be tough — they’ll even boo the ones they love.
Nationals fans give Dubya the same reception he’d get from 77% of U.S. citizens.
Baseball memorabilia collectors everywhere are scratching their heads wondering what the heck this commemorative patch is all about. By looking at the logo alone, we can surmise that some sort of sports team (or maybe TV show) will be doing something new in 2009. That’s it!
For those of you who simply cannot wait any longer, we’ll kill the suspense and let you in on what the logo is all about: It’s a patch to commemorate the opening of Citi Field. Can you believe it? Who thought this was a good idea? For starters, it doesn’t even have the team name on it, not to mention the stadium name. A photo or rendering of the stadium wouldn’t hurt either.
At least the Domino’s logo (which the Mets’ logo was clearly patterned after) shows an actual domino. That’s marketing 101, by the way:
Finally, for those of you wondering how a good commemorative patch should look, just take a peek across town:
The entire online baseball community is talking about Mark Teixeira being introduced as the newest New York Yankee today. Many of these sites will feature video from the press conference, but none of them will dust of this classic. It’s dated, but well worth the view:
And for some videos of Teixeria in a Yankees uniform, check out YES’ YouTube.
THE NEXT YANKEES ACE?
- Name: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz
- ERA: 408.09
- Throws: Like a guy with no arms
- Bats: Scared of bats
- Record: .5 -1,000,001
Rumor has it that Abe — the self proclaimed “King of the Knuckleball” — is pursuing the Yanks for a multi-year deal. We hear he even sent a fruit basket that included a headshot to the Yankees front office. So much for subtlety, Abe.
What’s up with the face paint?
According to sources that know Mr. Schwartz, painting his face like a baseball helps Abe hone his inner knuckler, which dances more erratic than the people in this video:
Oh man, the guy has a fan club?
Yup, it’s true. The buzz has already started out in Arizona. They love the whole gimmick, and fans are pushing for the Diamondbacks to get moving on drafting something that would lock up Abe and his noodle arm until at least the first game of the season. Well, that might not be completely true.
How much money should Abe be offered to play for New York?
Whoa… back up a minute. Nobody said anything about giving Schwartz any money. We were thinking he’d play for free rozin bags or pine tar. With a record of .5 wins and more than a million losses, paying him a penny would require change.
The Daily News is reporting that Brian Cashman is thinking about bringing Carl Pavano back to the Yankees. Our only guess is that President Bush, as one of his final moves that make you go hmmm, has moved April Fools’ Day to November. Either that or a cold front has made its way into hell.
As we do every Monday, The Max offers an in-depth look at the most important numbers of the past week in sports and entertainment. Take a look:
Past editions of Fun With Numbers: