Tag Archives: Washington Nationals
Are you there Ashton Kutcher? Its us, The Max.
24 Feb
Anyone ever heard of the toy, Skip It? If not, please refer to the illustration to the left. It’s a fairly simple concept.
Well, Skip It was one of those items that you saw advertised on TV (in 1989) but you never knew someone who wasted their money on one. Sort of like the Pet Rock.
Anyway, we think someone (namely Ashton Kutcher from Punk’d) should buy a whole bunch of them, hire an actor to play a strength coach and then use them at a station during drills at Spring Training. According to the new coach, here’s how the Skip It will help each player: “It muscles your speed. It strengthens your agility. And it agilitizes your endurance!”
With decent acting and no breaks in character from assistant coaches, you think anyone would bite and start skipping to agilitize their endurance? We think the most players on the Nationals would heavily consider it. Science tells us desperation tends to lower inhibitions.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned …
22 Feb“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I willingly chose to sign with the Washington Nationals.” - Cristian Guzman
We’re not really sure who decided it was a good idea to take photos of the Nationals in confessionals. But a hearty “thank you” goes out to that person for the unintentional entertainment.
Nationals hunting for new public announcer
15 DecThere was a thirty-second radio spot last week revealing that the flailing economy has hit the Washington Nationals where it counts — on the public announce system. Having to layoff the PA guy has caused the D.C. squad to hold open tryouts. There’s a shortlist for those they’d consider, and the list may surprise (or appall) you:
BILLY MAYS
Mays is a first-team All-American hustler when it comes to bellowing cheesy catchphrases with his booming voice and I’m-trying-to-rip-you-off smirk.
On a recent poll taken, his likability was down among Nationals fans (and yes, they had to search long and hard for a Nationals fan). But he’s looking for a new product to swindle people into believing works — and the Washington baseball team may just be that product.
MATTHEW LESKO
Matthew Lesko is the goof wearing the question marks all over his clothes. He’s always talking about how people can “borrow” from the government — “For FREE!” Some people have called him a rip-off artist and a loser — and we call those people ”us.”
But the Nationals believe if he can trick people into actually thinking the government gives money away for free, he can also trick people into rooting for the Nationals.
TONY LITTLE
Tony Little is best known for his extremely tight spandex workout suits and his well-kept hairband coif. His product, the Gazell, is a mock space-aged contraption that has people looking like fools before they have the opportunity to lose weight.
But if Little can get people to hop on the Gazell and look absolutely ridiculous, perhaps he can get them to hop on the Nationals bandwagon so they ridiculous at the ballpark, too.
(Check out the video to see the “celebrity” spokesperson who swears by the Gazell — former WWE wrestler, the Genius!)
Good to see Nationals have their priorities straight
10 Nov
After an exhausting three years of existence, the Washington Nationals have changed their uniform design. The organization unveiled the new-look unis at a press conference held last Thursday in the nation’s capital. Modeling the uniforms were outfielders Roger Bernadina and Austin Kearns… oh wait… no, that’s not right. Those were actually two female models that could probably hit better than .217, which neither Bernadina nor Kearns could do last season.
By the way, these are the same Washington Nationals that had a Major League low 59 wins last season. And if you’re keeping score at home, they also owned the third worst ERA and batting average in the National League. It’s good to see they are spending their off-season wisely by designing cute new uniforms. Forget finding somebody who can hit more than 14 home runs in a season (which nobody did for them last season), go get new unis… good idea!
According to a source close to the team, the Nationals’ to-do list looks something like this:
1. Finish in last place
2. Vote
3. Re-design uniforms
4. Rent Sex and the City
5. Book trip back to Montreal Botanical Garden (that was fun)
6. Cut Lastings Milledge’s hair
7. Find out what R.I.S.P stands for
8. Go to Winter Meetings
9. Call Phillies… Willy Mo Pena for Ryan Howard?
The Max 