Tag Archives: football

Miamis Marve to bring bad grades elsewhere

30 Dec

Robert Marve, the quarterback for the Miami Hurricanes who started 11 of 12 football games this season before getting suspended for his school-low academic performance, is taking his crappy transcript and moving on out.  

Rumor has it the freshman, who tossed 1,293 yards, nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions last season, is interested in heading to an SEC team. Florida, Tennessee and Louisiana State have been named, but it really all depends on which schools offer his major: Doing handstands AND his minor: Reciting the alphabet.
When reached, Marve had this to say:
“You don’t have to be no Alfred Einstein to know that I ain’t gonna send Miami no invite to no parties of mine.”

Nobody needs to worry about Rod Marinelli

29 Dec

rodmarinellibiggestloser.jpgLike the Jets’ Eric Mangini and the Browns’ Romeo Crennel, Lions coach Rod Marinelli got a pink slip tacked onto his office door as a bleated holiday gift after one measly 0-16 season.  We get ousting Mangini. We also get axing Crennel. But Marinelli? Man, this one was out of the blue. This is the season for giving and all, but we didn’t think that meant giving a perfectly halfway-decent coach a one-way ticket to the NFL’s unemployment line. 

True story: When the news broke about Marinelli, someone here at The Max shed a few tears (my brother, Jack). But all fears — and tears — were set aside when we came across this ad for Nogaine and realized that the ex-coach found himself another job…

What is Nogaine? Good question. It’s a product that serves as the opposite of Rogaine — it helps hair fall out quicker. And who better to hawk a product that promotes losing than the biggest loser in NFL history, Rod Marinelli!

Favre to retire?

26 Dec

Before the Jets even take the field for their final regualr season game this Sunday, the New York media has already began to speculate if Brett Favre will retire (again) after the game. 

At the risk of sounding naive, The Max actually thought the legendary QB already hung up his cleats. After all, there is no way an active NFL quarterback could record the following numbers and still have his job, is there? Here’s a look at his unimpressive December:

Brett Favre G Att Comp Pct Yds Avg Lng TD Int 1st 1st% 20+ Sck SckY Rate
December 3 92 55 59.8 531 5.8 30 1 5 26 28.3 9 7 51 56.9

Blagojevich sought legislation to change Bears helmets

22 Dec

Disgraced Chicago Governor Rod Blagojevich wasn’t just attempting to toss his weight around when it came to President-elect Barack Obama’s vacant Illinois Senate seat, The Max sources have found.

Aside from facing Federal Corruption charges for attempting to bully people into giving his wife a high-profile gig and forcing donors to fork over cash to his campaign, Mr. Blagojevich (pronounced Blag-oye-a-vich) also attempted to change the Bears’ appearance to look more like his own by adding a thick coat of hair onto the the Bears’ helmets. (It’s true. We swear.)

We have no excuse for the governor, except, perhaps, that the guy actually believed if the Bears wore a floppy rat’s nest on top of their helmets it’d be something fashionable. We’re not quite sure. 
What we do know, however, is that one of our reporters obtained a sketch (see below image) that confirms just how much Blag-o allowed power to go to his head. Although we must admit that we’re not quite sure how power or anything else got through his massive hair helmet to get to his head.


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Pac-Man to play for Cowboys on Saturday

18 Dec

What? Were you expecting Adam “Pacman” Jones or something? Nah, the Cowboys are through with that guy (not really: story here), and in his place they’ve enlisted another Pac-Man — THE Pac-Man.

The Cowboys organization are ironing out the details and trying to decide how many of those power pellets it will take for the video-game crusader to suit up for the remainder of the season. The biggest hang up being encountered has been finding a helmet to squeeze over the perfect sphere that is Pac-Man’s enormous, bowling ball head. 
No word on why Pac-Man has decided to put the Cowboys’ star on his cheek. We found that a little weird, and we’re also not sure what position he’ll be playing. We’re thinking wedge breaker on kickoffs is a shoo-in (or in President Bush’s case, a shoe-in).

Look out Ocho Cinco, here comes Stylez

17 Dec

stiles_121708.jpgTurns out the man formerly known as Chad Johnson (who now gets mail as Chad Ocho Cinco) isn’t the only NFLer who felt the need to switch up his birth name.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive end Greg White will from now on show up on his opponent’s scouting reports as Stylez G. White. The inspiration for “Stylez” came from a character in the 1985 flick “Teen Wolf,” where actor Jerry Levin played Rupert “Stiles” Stilinski.

The switch in spelling from “Stiles” to “Stylez” was a decision White made to “fit his personality.”

The Max applauds White’s decision, but we feel that people should know the other two names that Stylez was torn between:

First runner-up: Spicoli G. White
Jeff Spicoli appeared in the 1982 classic “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” Although the film was filled with memorable characters (Who could forget Mr. Hand, Mark Ratner or Mike Damone?), Spicoli and his friends somehow always stuck out to diehard fans. Who knows, maybe the man who used to go by Greg thought Spicoli was “totally awesome!”

spicolli_121708.jpgSecond runner-up: Doc. Brown G. White

Great Scott! “Doc” Brown invented the flux capicator that appeared in the “Back to the Future” movies. For those who don’t know, the fulx capicator is what makes time travel possible. Sure, Doc is absent-minded sometimes, but it’s been rumored that Stylez sometimes forgets plays at D-end, so it would have been a perfect fit.
What other characters do you think were on White’s radar?

President Bushs pep talk baffles Navy players

7 Dec

Check out the dude on the left side of the photo wearing No. 2. He can barely keep a straight face while President Bush delivers a speech prior to Navy’s football game against Army.

We’d like to note that we feel kind of bad for the poor guy wearing the coat on the right that’s getting smothered by W’s talk bubble.