Keep checking The Max for more dumb quotes from your favorite athletes.
With the Phillies leading the Dodgers 2-1 in The Max’s simulated NLCS, we’ve loaded each team’s lineups into our PS3 to see what the computer thinks will go down tonight. The winner of this series will go on the play the Red Sox, who swept the Rays in our ALCS. Here we go:
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | R | H | E | |
| Phillies | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 7 | 1 |
| Dodgers | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 0 | X | 3 | 6 | 1 |
Series tied at 2
W – Lowe, 7.2 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 0 BB, 2 K
L – Blanton, 6.2 IP, 4 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 2 BB, 4 K
S – Saito, 1.1 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 0 K
HR: Ethier, Rollins
Dodgers
Ethier: 2-4, 1 R, 3 RBI, HR
Loney: 2-4, Double
Ramirez: 0-4, 1 K
Phillies
Rollins: 1-4, 1 R, 1 RBI, HR
Victorino: 2-3, 1 RBI
Utley: 0-4
So, the Dodgers pull it off at home and tie the series at two. But the real fun came when our PS3 spotted Tiger Woods in the crowd during the 4th inning, allowing us to use this photo of the world’s greatest golfer. He must be a big fan, seeing as he was also at the real Game 3 of the NLCS.
There’s a closet on the third floor of The Max world headquarters in Dix Hills, NY, that very few people know about. Inside, there’s a bunch of stuff very few people would care about… A box of misprinted Max T-shirts (they read The Macs), the latest NKOTB album and soccer (yes, the entire sport).
Anyway, tucked away in the very back is an operational crystal ball. Even though we already know the answer, we asked the ball if the Yankees would pick up Jason Giambi’s option for 2009. The prophetic answer we were given was “outlook not so good.” With that, the Bombers clearly have an important hole to fill next season. No, not at first base. This one’s more important. Who’s gonna step up and wear the team’s mustache? Here’s our top options:
Joba Chamberlain
This kid was born to do two things: Be a major league pitcher and wear a mean mustache. We’re not talking about one of those girly ‘staches Johnny Depp sports every now and then; we see him in a Yosemite Sam (but slightly smaller).
Bobby Abreu
We’re guessing Abreu can’t pull off the hairy ‘stache of Joba Chamberlain. But he could probably make Jimmy Buffett jealous with his version of the pencil-thin job.
Alex Rodriguez
Undoubtedly, A-Rod would have the most perfectly manicured mustache in the history of the world. And he’d probably finish it off with a few blonde highlights, just to match his head.
Ian Kennedy
What? You can’t see it? You just have to squint your eyes a little bit. It’s there, and we’re very proud of it.
Mike Mussina
Assuming Moose returns for another year in pinstripes, we suggest he dust off the fake ‘stache he wore during Jason Giambi Day at the Stadium this past season. He looks darn good with that thing on. But coupled with the shades, he slightly resembles an incognito Bobby Valentine.
Derek Jeter
During this morning’s editorial meeting, we took a vote and 100 percent of The Max believes the captain should take one for the team and grow a fade on his upper lip.
Keep checking The Max for more dumb quotes from your favorite athletes.
Anderson Silva is arguably the best pound-for-pound mixed martial artist in the game today. The 33 year-old UFC Middleweight Champion, know as “The Spider,” owns a record of 24-4 with 13 KO’s. So, yeah, he’s what you’d call a tough guy.
Recently, Silva announced that he plans to retire from MMA competition when he turns 35. Many fans weren’t happy hearing that news, saying it was premature and he’d be walking away in his prime.
So that got me thinking: Who else said goodbye to a sport while they still had gas left in the tank?
SAMUEL “SCREECH” POWERS: It was Oct. 1991 and “Saved by the Bell” episode No. 107. The Bayside Tigers — and the world — had never seen such grace and skill on the chess board. When it came to putting opponents away, Screech showed no mercy.
But just like his best pal Zack Morris did with basketball, lovable hunk A.C. Slater did with wrestling and brainiac Jesse Spano did with her caffeine pill addiction, Screech gave up his best chance at success.
Nowadays, Screech is broke and dabbling in the adult film industry. (Unfortunately, that last part is not a joke.) He should have stuck with working the pawns and rooks. Go Bayside.
THE ROCK: Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Rock was “The Most Electrifying Man in Sports-Entertainment.” The former Miami Hurricanes defensive lineman was quick on the mic and nimble in the ring.
Somewhere between 2003 and 2004, after nine World Championship title reigns and an estimated 6,000 People’s Eyebrows, The Rock left wrestling for acting. He started with action films, then dropped about 200 pounds and began pumping out Disney comedies like the Spears women pop out offspring.
Professional wrestling hasn’t been the same since the People’s Champ left the scene, and die-hard fans are still hoping that someone, anyone, will find a way to fill the void the Rock left when he retired.
MICHAEL JORDAN: If there are any left on earth, I’m sure Knicks fans still remember how MJ lit MSG up every time he rolled through New York. But it was his stint with the Double-A Birmingham Barons baseball squad that got His Airness on this list.
Sure, he stunk (.202 with 3 HR and 114 strikeouts), and he looked kinda goofy in his uniform, but c’mon, it’s Michael Jordan!
Given two or three more years, it’s a guarantee that he would have worked his way to being the second or third worst player on the team.
BARRY SANDERS: Although he never pulled an Al Bundy (the Polk High halfback that scored four touchdowns in one game), Barry Sanders was certainly a force to be reckoned with when he was handed the football.
Greatly considered one of the best running backs in NFL history, it’s widely agreed by everyone except Sanders himself that No. 20 bounced out of the league far too soon.
JOE “COOP” COOPER and DOUG REMER: South Park co-creators Trey Parker (Cooper) and Matt Stone (Remer) starred in 1998’s raunchy comedy, “BASEketball.” The duo were standouts for the Milwaukee Beers in the National BASEketball League (NBL). After a trying season, the Beers pulled it together to win the inaugural Denslow Cup.
STEVE LATTIMER: As a middle linebacker for the fictional Division-1 football ESU Timberwolves in 1993’s “The Program,” Lattimer was a monster on the inside. He was big. He was strong. And he had more juice in him than Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire multiplied by Lance Armstrong.
When coach Sam Winters (James Caan) caught Lattimer whacked on roids after his first suspension, Lattimer’s ESU career was through.
With his playing days behind him, it’s rumored that Lattimer joined the nefarious Cobra Kai clan from “The Karate Kid” to take out anyone who dared oppose his face painting skills.
Think I missed someone? Don’t just sit there! Let me know about it: MaxwellJack@live.com
Our PS3 has put the Dodgers in a 2-0 hole as they head back to L.A. in an attempt to get back into the series. Let’s hope it’s a little more competitive than that mess the PS3 called an ALCS. Here’s how it played out:
Game 3
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | R | H | E | |
| Phillies | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 7 | 0 |
| Dodgers | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | X | 4 | 8 | 1 |
Phillies lead series 2-1
W – Kuroda, 6 IP, 6 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 2 BB, 6 K
L – Moyer, 4.1 IP, 8 H, 4 R, 4 ER, 1 BB, 2 K
S – Saito, 1 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 1 K
HR: None
Dodgers
Loney: 3-4, 1 R, 2 RBI
Martin: 2-4, 1 R
Kemp: 1-3, 1 RBI
Phillies
Howard: 2-4, 2 RBI
Rollins: 0-3, 1 R, 1 BB
Victorino: 0-4
The Max 