Anyone remember the Rodney Dangerfield film, “Back to School”? Paulie from “Rocky”, the late, great Sam Kinnison, Johnny “Cobra Kai” Lawrence from “The Karate Kid” and Robert Downy Jr. from the drunken skeeve Wall of Shame were all in it. ( Watch the trailer.)
Well Troy Aikman is apparently a fan, and he’s taking the title literally. He told the press he’s “finally taking care of business” and heading back to college to get his degree from UCLA.
We wish the former QB luck and all, but we think we’ll wait for the update to arrive on DVD before bothering to worry about Aikman’s school ventures again. He’s OK as a TV personality, but he’s no Rodney Dangerfield, that’s for certain.
We’re happy that Ken Griffey Jr. landed a government gig (full story). It’s smart. Everyone knows that the path to riches isn’t through multimillion dollar baseball deals, anyway. It’s through government scandals and ripping off the tax payers. There’s a ridiculous amount of cash to be swindled through the guise of employment through the state, and we applaud Mr. Jr. for recognizing. We just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy entering his office.
By now you’ve probably heard about the “big joke” San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich played on Shaquille O’Neal on Wednesday by having the Spurs implement the Hack-a-Shaq strategy within the first few seconds of the the Phoenix-San Antonio game. (Check out the video here)
The gag was a playful response to O’Neal’s rant last season during the NBA playoffs when he called Popovich and the Spurs “cowards” for committing so many fouls on him. While the gag got a chuckle from the Diesel, we feel the real joke was overlooked — Shaq’s acting career.
Take a look at what a few of our celebrity friends (Borat, American Idol’s Simon Cowell and The Simpsons‘ Comic Book Guy) had to save about The Big Daddy’s choice in movie roles:
Don’t think we forgot about the “The Wash” or “Freddy Got Fingered.” We couldn’t do that, especially since we got sick to our stomachs after watching both unfunny time-eaters in the theater (our girlfriends dragged us there, we swear).
To put how bad they were into perspective, RottenTomatoes.com gave “The Wash” an 8 percent and “Freddy” a dismal 10 percent on the TomatoMeter. But that’s kind compared to what Comic Book Guy had to say:
Movie remakes have been invading theaters at a ferocious pace of late. And with the exception of Jessica Simpson prancing around in a bikini in The Dukes of Hazzard, there’s no real reason to run out and rent them. But that hasn’t stopped decision makers in Tinseltown from investing in remakes. Here’s a few you can look forward to in the near future:
- Alice in Wonderland
- Friday the 13th
- Nightmare on Elm Street
- Short Circuit
- Howard Stern’s Porky’s
- The Evil Dead
While The Max wasn’t too hyped for any of those listed above, there was one that captured our curiosity starring Plaxico Burress. Look out High School Musical 3, Plax is about to take over the box office:
Anderson Silva is arguably the best pound-for-pound mixed martial artist in the game today. The 33 year-old UFC Middleweight Champion, know as “The Spider,” owns a record of 24-4 with 13 KO’s. So, yeah, he’s what you’d call a tough guy.
Recently, Silva announced that he plans to retire from MMA competition when he turns 35. Many fans weren’t happy hearing that news, saying it was premature and he’d be walking away in his prime.
So that got me thinking: Who else said goodbye to a sport while they still had gas left in the tank?
SAMUEL “SCREECH” POWERS: It was Oct. 1991 and “Saved by the Bell” episode No. 107. The Bayside Tigers — and the world — had never seen such grace and skill on the chess board. When it came to putting opponents away, Screech showed no mercy.
But just like his best pal Zack Morris did with basketball, lovable hunk A.C. Slater did with wrestling and brainiac Jesse Spano did with her caffeine pill addiction, Screech gave up his best chance at success.
Nowadays, Screech is broke and dabbling in the adult film industry. (Unfortunately, that last part is not a joke.) He should have stuck with working the pawns and rooks. Go Bayside.
THE ROCK: Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Rock was “The Most Electrifying Man in Sports-Entertainment.” The former Miami Hurricanes defensive lineman was quick on the mic and nimble in the ring.
Somewhere between 2003 and 2004, after nine World Championship title reigns and an estimated 6,000 People’s Eyebrows, The Rock left wrestling for acting. He started with action films, then dropped about 200 pounds and began pumping out Disney comedies like the Spears women pop out offspring.
Professional wrestling hasn’t been the same since the People’s Champ left the scene, and die-hard fans are still hoping that someone, anyone, will find a way to fill the void the Rock left when he retired.
MICHAEL JORDAN: If there are any left on earth, I’m sure Knicks fans still remember how MJ lit MSG up every time he rolled through New York. But it was his stint with the Double-A Birmingham Barons baseball squad that got His Airness on this list.
Sure, he stunk (.202 with 3 HR and 114 strikeouts), and he looked kinda goofy in his uniform, but c’mon, it’s Michael Jordan!
Given two or three more years, it’s a guarantee that he would have worked his way to being the second or third worst player on the team.
BARRY SANDERS: Although he never pulled an Al Bundy (the Polk High halfback that scored four touchdowns in one game), Barry Sanders was certainly a force to be reckoned with when he was handed the football.
Greatly considered one of the best running backs in NFL history, it’s widely agreed by everyone except Sanders himself that No. 20 bounced out of the league far too soon.
JOE “COOP” COOPER and DOUG REMER: South Park co-creators Trey Parker (Cooper) and Matt Stone (Remer) starred in 1998’s raunchy comedy, “BASEketball.” The duo were standouts for the Milwaukee Beers in the National BASEketball League (NBL). After a trying season, the Beers pulled it together to win the inaugural Denslow Cup.
STEVE LATTIMER: As a middle linebacker for the fictional Division-1 football ESU Timberwolves in 1993’s “The Program,” Lattimer was a monster on the inside. He was big. He was strong. And he had more juice in him than Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire multiplied by Lance Armstrong.
When coach Sam Winters (James Caan) caught Lattimer whacked on roids after his first suspension, Lattimer’s ESU career was through.
With his playing days behind him, it’s rumored that Lattimer joined the nefarious Cobra Kai clan from “The Karate Kid” to take out anyone who dared oppose his face painting skills.
Think I missed someone? Don’t just sit there! Let me know about it: MaxwellJack@live.com
The Scout: In 1994’s sports “comedy” “The Scout,” Brendan Fraser, then of “Encino Man” fame, and the usually funny Albert Brooks deliver a snore fest of epic proportions.
Perhaps the only redeeming qualities the film possesses are that Frasier’s character, Steve Nebraska, plays for the Yankees and George Steinbrenner, Ozzie Smith, Steve Garvey and Tim McCarver all make cameos. Other than that, this is 101 minutes of your life you’ll never get back.
Box office gross: $2,294,234
Little Big League: The synopsis: Billy Heywood, a 12-year old baseball enthusiast, inherits the lousy-playing Minnesota Twins after his grandpa kicks the bucket. The outcome: A then-16 year-old boy from Dix Hills, NY (me) throws the remote control at the screen and suffers from acute boredom from watching such trash.
Box office gross: $12,267,790
Hardball: Keanu Reeves lugs his bad acting to the baseball diamond after his character’s gambling issues forces him to coach a corporate-sponsored group of misfits in Chicago. Of course, Revees’ character, Conor O’Neill, starts to like the gig better when hottie Diane Lane walks into the on-deck circle. Overall, Hardball is hard thing to watch.
Box office gross: $40,222,729
Jimmy Falon left his Weekend Update anchor’s seat on Saturday Night Live to team up with Drew Barrymore in this romantic comedy that’s both predictable and unoriginal. However, if the movie were about a Yankess fan…
Box office gross: $41, 966, 965
Ed: Some Minor League scrub team has a chimp named Ed as a mascot. Then guess what happens. Yup, Ed and his tremendous baseball skills make the squad!
Critics gave this masterpiece one out of five bananas, and I’m pretty sure the appreciation stemmed from the monkey’s acting, not Joey’s from Friends.
Box office gross: Who cares?