Tag Archives: NBA

Keep HORSE-ing around

5 Feb

horse.jpgIn its continued attempt to make the All-Star game as ridiculous as possible, the NBA has added H-O-R-S-E to the annual festivities. No really, they did.

What’s worse is that the decision came after months of careful evaluation. According to reports, H-O-R-S-E was selected by a special committee that apparently researched hundreds of other options. From what we are hearing, here are some of the other games that almost made the cut and the reasoning why they failed to be included:

  • Marco Polo: Bringing an Olympic-sized pool into the arena was not a problem. The committee feared the sight of Brian Scalabrine in a Speedo more (Yes, that may be the first time ever that Scalabrine and the term All-Star were used in the same story).
  • Spin the Bottle: This one actually made it to the final two. The thought of Kobe and Shaq finally kissing and making up was a real draw for the committee. In the end, though, officials feared the continued lovefest for LeBron would be too overwhelming.
  • Tic Tac Toe: Coaches apparently protested that their players were confused enough by the X’s and O’s of basketball. According to them, throwing this at the players would turn their minds to mush.
  • Tiddlywinks: When the idea of this game was brought to a players’ focus group, the term “tiddlywinks” was always followed up by giggles and immature college humor… we’ll just leave it at that.
  • Hungry, Hungry Hippos: The threat of Shaq confusing this contest for an all-you-can-eat buffet eventually swayed the decision makers away.
  • Shuttlecocks: See Tiddlywinks.
  • Rock, Paper, Scissors: Apparently, the sales for real scissors skyrocketed when the idea of this game being added to the All-Star game leaked. The players just couldn’t grasp the idea of playing without real rocks or scissors. Ron Artest is still combing his backyard for baseball-sized rocks.
  • Dodgeball: Without Vince Vaughn, the game is just not that fun!

The port-o-potty debate continues

4 Feb

pee.jpgAfter a somewhat embarrassing moment on the court last week, Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets has reportedly started a campaign to have port-o-potties installed at courtside.

According to reports, courtside towel boys are planning on challenging the campaign in an attempt to increase job security.

Whos the worst of the worst?

19 Jan

cavs23mvp.jpgThe normally egotistical Kobe Bryant recently stated that he thinks LeBron James is the NBA MVP so far this season. A couple things come to mind immediately:

1. Duh.

2. We obviously agree; but more importantly, we want to know who would be crowned the NBA’s anti-Lebron James. If Lebron is THE best of the best, who is the worst of the worst? We know the LVP (Least Valuable Player) award has never been actually handed out. But that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be. Luckily, The Max is here to formally award the crown of LVP to one very deserving NBA “star.” But before we do that, here are some of the runners-up:

  • Eddy Curry (NY Knicks): Despite clocking only three minutes of playing time this season, Chubs is cashing a check worth more than $9.5 million. We’re not so good with the math, but we do know that’s a lot of coin per minute. Have a salad, by the way.
  • Jerome James (NY Knicks): $6.2 million this year to play in two games… that’s it, two games. Adding to his uselessness, James reportedly suffered some sort of girly injury on Sunday that will keep him out for the rest of the season. Not for nothin’, but wasn’t he out for the rest of the season anyway?
  • Danilo Gallinari (NY Knicks): Who thought drafting this piason 6th overall was a good idea? If you’re keeping score at home, he’s getting more than $2.8 million this season and he’s only played three games.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Yes, they are all members of the Knicks. And no, we are not being biased. Taking everything into account, the above three names are legitimately three of the least valuable players in the NBA.

But there can only be one LVP. And the winner is:

lvp.jpgOnly in America can you get paid more than $28 million to do absolutely nothing. Congrats, Steph.

Please stop talking, Reggie Miller

15 Jan

reggie.jpg Not that The Max would ever misunderestimate Barack Obama’s talents on anything, but when Reggie Miller recently told CNN he believes Obama’s basketball skills may offer clues to his style of leadership, we had to slap Miller with a technical.

C’mon Reg, seriously? Someone here at The Max had a roommate in college who was a a local legend when it came to playing Madden football on the PlayStation 2, but that didn’t mean the couch potato was capable of leading the University’s football team to victory in the NCAA title game. (Another Max reporter’s ex-roommate was also a pro at Grand Theft Auto, yet he never hot-wired a car in his life. Go figure.)

Miller also said he wouldn’t mind “picking [Obama] up on my squad” in a pickup game.

Well, that we agree with. The general rule of thumb is as follows: If the most powerful guy in the land wants to play, you put him on your team, and you let him shoot from halfcourt if he wants to. Even if Obama said he planned to shoot with his feet and dribble with his elbows, you still put him in your starting five.

But Miller had more to say: “[Obama] makes sure that everyone gets involved, and that’s the kind of point guard I want. Those are guys like Magic Johnson, Mark Jackson, John Stockton, it’s not all about them; it’s about let’s
make sure our team is good. He’s going to get the ball to everyone.”

Whoa boy. We get that Miller is trying to relate Obama to some greats people will know, but even mentioning Obama’s b-ball skills in the same sentence as Magic or Stockton is like saying the goalie in this video has a shot at making varsity.

Tirico Suave: Eddy Curry is not thin

18 Dec

TiricoSuave.com posted this a while ago. But seeing as Eddy “Kamala” Curry is not getting any thinner, coupled with the success of our Mike Tyson post and the fact that we laughed out loud when we saw this photo, we decided to share it with you. Check out TiricoSuave.com’s other amusing photos here.

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Here are some more porkers. It wasn’t until just now that we realized our obsession with fat athletes.

Can these people just go away?

2 Dec

Plaxico Burress has been
everywhere lately – the TV, the newspapers, blogs, in my nightmares. And, actually, it’s not just lately, it’s
been all season. From Plax’s disregard for Giants’ team policy to
fines, suspension and finally popping a cap into his own thigh; well, we’ve
finally had enough of this guy. Granted, Burress’ bonehead moves provide
us with material on a weekly basis, but we just can’t take it any longer. The guy needs to go away.

We understand that Jared
used to be the size of a monster truck and has now shrunk to that of a Mini
Cooper. For downgrading from pants that could blanket a small village, we
commend him.

Dude, you’re insane on the court. No doubt about that. But Chuck Barkley’s right, you need to shut the hell up about your plans for 2010. Just keep scoring at will and do something we have never seen in a game like a 720 dunk from the three-point line, but please keep your yap shut about the future.

Many times, the gossip
focuses on the enormously popular and heavily political Triple H, husband to
WWE Princess Stephanie McMahon. Since inserting himself into the royal family
of pro wrestling in 2003, Mr. H has been criticized by dirt sheet “journalists” about the perks he receives from being married to WWE Chairman Vince McMahon’s
daughter. 

She’s crazy.
She’s pregnant. She’s getting divorced. She’s pregnant again. She’s shaving her head! She looks loopy on stage performing one of her formulaic pop musical ditties at some lame awards show. She’s admitted to a problem. She’s finding her inner self. She’s releasing a new record. She needs more money!

Whether or not Brit is
locked up in the loony bin doesn’t stop us from watching sports, but she still needs to take a hike. We’re asking from the bottom of our black heart’s to please keep her off of our television sets unless it’s the replay of the “Baby One
More Time.” 

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Chad Johnson or Chad Ocho Cinco

Chad: Play football. Score
touchdowns. Do your dances. Win championships, then talk as much as you want. But
you’re a Bengal, and that’s in the cat family, which associates you
the Lions. That means no talking.

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Shaq & Kobe

Shaq and Kobe don’t play on the same team anymore, and haven’t for a few years now. The bottom line is that the story is tired and the inability for the press to conjure up new material to draw readers back to their fledging magazines and newspapers highlights exactly why certain publications will be going the way of the banking and auto industries sooner rather than later.

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Barry Bonds

Whether or not Bonds will join the ranks of baseball’s elite is yet to be determined, and if he does, then a whole new crop of arguments can surface (or the same ones repackaged). Now it’s up to the league and those who make those types of choices to decide, so hopefully the rest of us can move on and find someone else to devote our time too. Stories about Bonds are all old hat, and since that hat belongs to Bonds, it means the stories have been stretched very thin to keep pace with his ever-growing bulbous melon. 

How much do you like The Max?

25 Nov

The Max is proud to announce that we are currently accepting applications from professional athletes looking to become the face of this blog. Just like Nike did for Tiger Woods, The Max will make one lucky athlete synonymous with a worldwide mega-brand (us).

Unfortunately, however, the tumbling economy has prevented us from throwing the big bucks around. That said, we are only prepared to offer upwards of $50 to the athlete we choose as our official celebrity endorser. The low compensation has scared off the likes of LeBron James and Andy Phillips, but there are still some superstars out there excited to apply for the position. The only question we ask on our application is: How much do you like The Max? Below is what we got back.

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max_mcnabb.jpgWhich finalist do you think The Max should choose as its celebrity endorser? Leave us a comment below. We promise to take your opinion into consideration when making this difficult decision