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Separated at birth

8 Oct

We here at The Max are pretty sure that any site attempting to dabble in humor is contractually obligated to run some sort of “separated at birth” segment. Being the go-getters that we are, we decided to get it out of the way in our first month of existence. Enjoy:

Sarah Palin & Rays manager Joe Maddon

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Ok, so they aren’t necessarily the same sex. But that doesn’t mean they can’t look alike. Just look at their affinity for bulky specs. Still not buying it? Try mentally placing a brunette wig on Joe’s skull (it’s a lot prettier than doing it the other way around).

Charles “Haywire” Patoshik & Angels pitcher John Lackey

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If you’re not a fan of the Prison Break TV show, then this one might not do it for you. But you can’t deny these two may share the same mother. Poor lady.

“Ravishing” Rick Rude & Giants manager Bruce Bochy

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The San Francisco version of Bruce Bochy (sans the mustache) does nothing for us. We prefer the facial hair. Plus, he’s the spitting image of former WWE wrestler Rick Rude. The only thing he’s missing is the airbrushed uniform pants. Now that would make the Giants worth watching.

John Goodman & Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis

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We’re willing to bet neither one of these guys want to look like the other. Sorry, fellas. You’re spitting images.

NBA star Robert Horry & Will Smith

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This entry isn’t fair, as we don’t really think these two were separated at birth. We actually believe that Will Smith and Robert Horry are the same person. Think about it, have you ever seen them at the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so. The bottom line is Will Smith can do anything he wants, including play in the NBA.

Michael Phelps & Giants quaterback Eli Manning

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Remember Michael Phelps? Here’s to hoping we never have to mention him again. This entry is courtesy of Lookliker.com.

5 Awful Baseball Movies

8 Oct

thescout.jpgThe Scout: In 1994’s sports “comedy” “The Scout,” Brendan Fraser, then of “Encino Man” fame, and the usually funny Albert Brooks deliver a snore fest of epic proportions.

Perhaps the only redeeming qualities the film possesses are that Frasier’s character, Steve Nebraska, plays for the Yankees and George Steinbrenner, Ozzie Smith, Steve Garvey and Tim McCarver all make cameos. Other than that, this is 101 minutes of your life you’ll never get back.
Box office gross: $2,294,234

little-big-league.jpgLittle Big League: The synopsis: Billy Heywood, a 12-year old baseball enthusiast, inherits the lousy-playing Minnesota Twins after his grandpa kicks the bucket. The outcome: A then-16 year-old boy from Dix Hills, NY (me) throws the remote control at the screen and suffers from acute boredom from watching such trash.
Box office gross: $12,267,790

hardball.jpgHardball: Keanu Reeves lugs his bad acting to the baseball diamond after his character’s gambling issues forces him to coach a corporate-sponsored group of misfits in Chicago. Of course, Revees’ character, Conor O’Neill, starts to like the gig better when hottie Diane Lane walks into the on-deck circle. Overall, Hardball is hard thing to watch.
Box office gross: $40,222,729

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Fever Pitch: It wasn’t so much a fever people got while watching this movie, but more like a spell of nausea paired with a splitting headache.

Jimmy Falon left his Weekend Update anchor’s seat on Saturday Night Live to team up with Drew Barrymore in this romantic comedy that’s both predictable and unoriginal. However, if the movie were about a Yankess fan…
Box office gross: $41, 966, 965

ed.jpgEd: Some Minor League scrub team has a chimp named Ed as a mascot. Then guess what happens. Yup, Ed and his tremendous baseball skills make the squad!

YAWN.

Critics gave this masterpiece one out of five bananas, and I’m pretty sure the appreciation stemmed from the monkey’s acting, not Joey’s from Friends.
Box office gross
: Who cares?

The Big Gs upper lip up for honor

8 Oct

giambi.jpgUnfortunately, it doesn’t look like MLB will honor Jason Giambi with any 2008 season awards. But that doesn’t mean he won’t walk away with any hardware. The Yankees’ first baseman is one of the finalists for the coveted Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award.

Other finalists include Keith Hernandez (SNY), Cleveland Brown (Family Guy) and Pat O’Brien (dirty voicemailer). To help The Big G walk away with the prize, place your vote here.

Capped for Tuesday, Oct. 7

7 Oct

As everybody knows by now, every Tuesday at The Max, we allow you to be the editors (Okay, so this is the first time we’ve ever done this. A moderately wise man once told me never to let the facts get in the way of a good story). Simply send your witty captions for the photo below to MaxwellJack@Live.com.

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Each Tuesday, we’ll reveal the winner from the previous week, as well as offer another photo to caption. Don’t miss out on this wonderful offer, as the winner will receive a hearty “atta boy,” from the editors at The Max.

The List: 15 Funniest baseball cards ever

7 Oct

Remember when baseball card collecting was fun? You know, back when there was only Topps, Donruss and Fleer? Those were the days.

Nowadays, it’s impossible to keep up with all the different lines of cards each company outputs. I stopped paying attention when I saw a pack of Upper Deck Premium Gold Ultra Niner going for $15 (and there was only three cards in there). What a ripoff.

Anyway, enough about our issues with the baseball card industry.Check out these hilarious cards from the glory days of collecting:

armstrong.jpg#15. Mike Armstrong: After failing to make it as a big league pitcher, Armstrong tried his hand in acting. His biggest role saw him star as Milton in Office Space. “Have you seen my stapler?”

craig.jpg#14. Rodney Craig: To the best of our knowledge, this guy never made it big in the bigs. Now we’re not accusing anybody of anything, but perhaps some more strict drug testing would’ve helped ol’ Rod.

Bereguer.jpg#13. Juan Berenguer: Looks like Juan finally found the guy who stole his burrito and now he’s gonna slam the ball between his eyes.

johnstone.jpg#12. Jay Johnstone: The top-notch editorial staff here at The Max really struggled with putting Johnstone on this list. From where we sit, he simply tries too hard to be funny. When that happens, you’re a lot less amusing (our content notwithstanding).

moon.jpg#11. Wally Moon: Couldn’t he just take a quick swipe around his eyebrow region while doing his morning shave?

mo.jpg#10. Mariano Rivera: The world’s greatest closer looks dressed to impress and ready to do some serious clubbing (We’ll probably get a call from YESNetwork.com’s web guy giving us a hard time for this one).

law.jpg#9. Rudy Law: For the life of us, we can’t figure out why Rudy Law is so mad. It’s probably those hideous uniforms.

conseco.jpg#8. Jose Canseco: You gotta love the mustache that Jose has been growing since the seventh grade.

candelaria.jpg#7. John Candelaria: See Jose Canseco.

leyland.jpg#6. Jim Leyland: To the best of our knowledge, this is the only documented photo of Jim Leyland smiling. It’s probably because he’s is wearing a small building on the top of his head disguised as a hat.

rickey.jpg#5. Rickey Henderson: Just what every young kid needs: a photo of Rickey taking a lead in his underwear. Who thought this was a good idea?

pacella.jpg#4. John Pacella: Everybody knows the Mets went through some tough times in the early 1980s, but did Pacella really need to throw his hat down in disgust? Have some class!

sosa.jpg#3. Sammy Sosa: Sammy’s looking mighty happy for a guy who just stuck his finger in a light socket.

ripken.jpg#2. Billy Ripken: We’re a family web site, so we won’t tell you what it says on the bottom of his bat. But those who are already in the know understand this card’s greatness.

gamble.jpg#1. Oscar Gamble: This card is great on so many levels. Obviously, his hair takes the cake. But how about that ridiculous Photoshop (or whatever they used back then) job on his hat and that horrible play on words in the headline?

Breaking news: Baseball to adjust drug-testing

6 Oct

October 6, 2008

cubsfan.jpgChicago – Despite yet another heart-breaking season by the Chicago Cubs, there have been three separate sightings of fans walking around the Windy City wearing Cubs paraphernalia. When told of the shocking situation, and unnamed executive in baseball’s front office told reporters, “Clearly we need to extend the drug-testing to the fans, as well.”

Former lifelong Cubs fan Cormack Burke agrees. “I’ve been following the Cubbies for 35 years, but after this latest collapse, I can’t do it anymore. When people choose to follow this team even after clubs like the Marlins and Diamondbacks win titles, there has to be something wrong. These fans need to be tested. An altered state is the only logical explanation.”

At this point, the only thing holding the testing back is cost. Sources close to the situation claim that baseball has reached out to the NFL to see if they wanted to split costs when they test Raiders fans.

 

Editor’s note: While we here at The Max never claim to be a P.I. (you know, like Magnum, P.I.), we believe we may have unearthed the source of the Cubs’ problems. Perhaps if they were concentrating more on playing baseball, rather than appearing on WWE.com’s Santino’s Casa webshow, they would have won a game. Take a look:

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