Tucked away deep in our corporate file cabinet is the official list of athletes we deem cool enough to hang out with. And after hearing Bert “Be Home” Blyleven’s interview with Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio this morning, the former Twins hurler has just been added to that prestigious listing (the shirt he’s wearing in this photo didn’t hurt, either). When asked how he felt about not being elected to the Hall of Fame (again), he replied, “I think it’s a bunch of crap!“
Gotta love a guy who pulls no punches and tells it like it is. His honesty is a refreshing reminder that these athletes are people, too. Hey Bert, any time you wanna go get a beer, just let us know.
Here’s the aforementioned official list of athletes we want to hang out with. The only requirement we have is that he must be alive. (Because who wants to hang out with a dead guy?) Although, you’ll see that we are pretty flexible on that requirement:
No. 20: Bill Walton
Unfortunately, as we grow older, we’re forced to act like adults, which means less “recreational activity” and more showing up to work on time. Bill, on the other hand, laughs at this notion. Plus, if we hang out, maybe he’ll let us borrow one of his Grateful Dead tie-dye T-shirts.
No. 19: Bert Blyleven
The above intro to this post says it all. Plus, how great is that nickname? Bert “Be Home” Blyleven… love it.
No. 18 (tie): Dick Pole, Jack Glasscock
Because you should always surround yourself with people that others would make fun of… takes the target off of you. For those not in the know, Pole played for the Red Sox and Mariners during the 1970s; Glasscock played for many teams including the Giants and Pirates. He is also the only deceased member of the list. With a name like Glasscock, we think he gets special dispensation.
No. 17: Walt “Clyde” Frazier
We’re not really into girly poetry, but when
Clyde opens his mouth, the soothing sounds of his rhymes make us smile,
especially in those Just For Men commercials. Plus, we really want a
friend who will tell us “your beard is weird” or “your ‘stache is trash.” It’s always better to hear those things from your friends than the girl you are trying to pick up.
No. 16: Keith Hernandez
Anybody
willing to announce a baseball game while sucking a lollipop and wearing a fur coat is OK in
our book. Plus, we’re pretty envious of that mustache, even if it’s
been chemically enhanced.
No. 15: John Daly
We have so much in common already. We both love beer and buffalo wings at Hooter’s. This friendship is a no-brainer.
No. 14: Plaxico Burress
If he’s willing to take a bullet for absolutely no reason at all, imagine what he would do for a friend in need.
No. 13: Nolan Ryan
Our mouths tend to get us into a lot of trouble. At least if we were to be side-by-side with ol’ Nolan at the bar, however, we would know that he would kick the butt of anybody that would mess with us. Just ask Robin Ventura.
No. 12: Tom Brady
Because even if we ended up with his wingman’s wingman’s rejects we would be hanging out with the hottest girls we ever laid eyes on.
No. 11: Bo Jackson
We know that it’s not the 1980s anymore, but everybody still wants to “know Bo,” don’t they? Plus, anybody who can make a defense look this dumb will never go out of style.
No. 10: Reggie Bush
The truth is that we would only want to hang out with Reggie if we could also hang with Kim Kardashian and her lovely frame. Is that so bad?
No. 9: Bucky Dent
As a rule of thumb, anybody who get’s the term “F’n” added to their name is cool in our book.
No. 8: David Wells
See John Daly.
No. 7: Bob Uecker
Between the Miller Lite commercials and his drunken ramblings in the movie Major League, we’re inclined to think “Mr. Baseball” likes to enjoy a few adult beverages. Hey, we do too. Maybe we should do it together.
No. 6: The Miz
This current WWE wrestler (and former Real World cast member) might just be the coolest man to walk the planet. The dude not only parties at the Playboy Mansion, but also dates many of the beauties inside Hef’s magazine. He has reportedly been linked to Trishelle Cannatella and Maria Kanellis, among others. With a resume like this, you would think he could spare some of his riches.
No. 5: Joba Chamberlain
OK, the truth is that we only want to hang out with Joba so that he has a safe ride home after enjoying a few beers. As Yankees fans, we need him on the mound in ’09.
No. 4: Marko Jaric
We’re thinking that as the winner of the 2008 Out-Kicked His Coverage Championship, Marko could give us some tips on overcoming our ugliness to score with the ladies.
No. 3: Jason Giambi
The former Yankees first baseman has everything you should look for in a friend. A mustache, tattoos you’ve always been afraid of getting, an honest quality and he’s willing to share his thong.
No. 2: Peyton Manning
While this may not be a popular opinion with the masses (largely because he sounds like he has marbles in his mouth when he talks), the truth is this dude is flat-out funny. We like a guy who could make us laugh. We also like long walks on the beach… oh wait, wrong web site.
No. 1: Joe Namath
Because we want to kiss Suzy Kolber, too.
On the flip side, here are some athletes that have made our “Do Not Hang Out With” list. We really think these names don’t need any explanation. But just in case, we offered a few:
We’re happy that Ken Griffey Jr. landed a government gig (full story). It’s smart. Everyone knows that the path to riches isn’t through multimillion dollar baseball deals, anyway. It’s through government scandals and ripping off the tax payers. There’s a ridiculous amount of cash to be swindled through the guise of employment through the state, and we applaud Mr. Jr. for recognizing. We just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy entering his office.
After Kurt Warner’s 328-yard performance against the 49ers this week, many members of the New York media have already awarded the former Giants quarterback the MVP award. Ironically, the other two contenders might just be Kerry Collins and Eli Manning.
What do the three of these men have in common? They’ve all been backup quarterbacks for the G-Men at some point in their careers. When news of this reached Tommy Maddox, the former Giants QB reportedly began warming up his ol’ pigskin slinger in hopes of landing a quarterback job next season.
The only problem is, other than the Detroit Lions, no team in their right mind would employ the former backup. Why is that, you ask? No, it’s not because he’s 37 years old. The real answer is after the jump. Be sure to click the link below.
Anybody dumb enough to hold this trophy up with pride should not be looking for a new job… instead, they should be getting their head examined! Vince McMahon and football just don’t mesh. Just look at what he did for hockey.
Movie remakes have been invading theaters at a ferocious pace of late. And with the exception of Jessica Simpson prancing around in a bikini in The Dukes of Hazzard, there’s no real reason to run out and rent them. But that hasn’t stopped decision makers in Tinseltown from investing in remakes. Here’s a few you can look forward to in the near future:
While The Max wasn’t too hyped for any of those listed above, there was one that captured our curiosity starring Plaxico Burress. Look out High School Musical 3, Plax is about to take over the box office:
We here at The Max are pretty sure that any site attempting to dabble in humor is contractually obligated to run some sort of “separated at birth” segment. Being the go-getters that we are, we decided to get it out of the way in our first month of existence. Enjoy:
Sarah Palin & Rays manager Joe Maddon
Ok, so they aren’t necessarily the same sex. But that doesn’t mean they can’t look alike. Just look at their affinity for bulky specs. Still not buying it? Try mentally placing a brunette wig on Joe’s skull (it’s a lot prettier than doing it the other way around).
Charles “Haywire” Patoshik & Angels pitcher John Lackey
If you’re not a fan of the Prison Break TV show, then this one might not do it for you. But you can’t deny these two may share the same mother. Poor lady.
“Ravishing” Rick Rude & Giants manager Bruce Bochy
The San Francisco version of Bruce Bochy (sans the mustache) does nothing for us. We prefer the facial hair. Plus, he’s the spitting image of former WWE wrestler Rick Rude. The only thing he’s missing is the airbrushed uniform pants. Now that would make the Giants worth watching.
John Goodman & Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis
We’re willing to bet neither one of these guys want to look like the other. Sorry, fellas. You’re spitting images.
NBA star Robert Horry & Will Smith
This entry isn’t fair, as we don’t really think these two were separated at birth. We actually believe that Will Smith and Robert Horry are the same person. Think about it, have you ever seen them at the same place at the same time? Didn’t think so. The bottom line is Will Smith can do anything he wants, including play in the NBA.
Michael Phelps & Giants quaterback Eli Manning
Remember Michael Phelps? Here’s to hoping we never have to mention him again. This entry is courtesy of Lookliker.com.
The Max 