Tag Archives: baseball

Hot Stove News: Knuckleballer wants to be a Yankee

14 Dec

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THE NEXT YANKEES ACE?
  • Name: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz
  • ERA: 408.09
  • Throws: Like a guy with no arms
  • Bats: Scared of bats
  • Record: .5 -1,000,001

Rumor has it that Abe — the self proclaimed “King of the Knuckleball” — is pursuing the Yanks for a multi-year deal. We hear he even sent a fruit basket that included a headshot to the Yankees front office. So much for subtlety, Abe.
What’s up with the face paint?

According to sources that know Mr. Schwartz, painting his face like a baseball helps Abe hone his inner knuckler, which dances more erratic than the people in this video:
 

abefanmax.jpgOh man, the guy has a fan club?

Yup, it’s true. The buzz has already started out in Arizona. They love the whole gimmick, and fans are pushing for the Diamondbacks to get moving on drafting something that would lock up Abe and his noodle arm until at least the first game of the season. Well, that might not be completely true.

How much money should Abe be offered to play for New York?
 

Whoa… back up a minute. Nobody said anything about giving Schwartz any money. We were thinking he’d play for free rozin bags or pine tar. With a record of .5 wins and more than a million losses, paying him a penny would require change.

Mets wheeling and dealing for K-Rod

8 Dec

What comes to mind when you think of the Mets? 

  • Choke artists? 
  • September causalities? 
  • New York’s “other” baseball team? 
While all of the above are technically correct, we’d like to add one more to the list: innovators. 
Wait, we’re not kidding, hear us out.

The Mets’ brass implemented a new, radical strategy in an attempt to get top-notch hurler Francisco Rodriguez to the Big Apple to play in the Mets’ new stadium — Bankrupt Park. (Oops, we mean Citi Field.) 
Mid-way through a meeting in Las Vegas between the Mets and K-Rod, someone in a cheap suit rolled out a special roulette wheel. The image key below should help decipher what the stakes were, and we’re still waiting for confirmation on whether or not K-Rod played along or not. 
However, we did hear that Pete Rose offered his two cents: “Always bet on black.”
Here is the image key:

Frowny face: K-Rod goes elsewhere
Mets logo: K-Rod signs with the Mets
Spin Again: It means — duh! — spin again
Question mark: Spinners choice

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Can these people just go away?

2 Dec

Plaxico Burress has been
everywhere lately – the TV, the newspapers, blogs, in my nightmares. And, actually, it’s not just lately, it’s
been all season. From Plax’s disregard for Giants’ team policy to
fines, suspension and finally popping a cap into his own thigh; well, we’ve
finally had enough of this guy. Granted, Burress’ bonehead moves provide
us with material on a weekly basis, but we just can’t take it any longer. The guy needs to go away.

We understand that Jared
used to be the size of a monster truck and has now shrunk to that of a Mini
Cooper. For downgrading from pants that could blanket a small village, we
commend him.

Dude, you’re insane on the court. No doubt about that. But Chuck Barkley’s right, you need to shut the hell up about your plans for 2010. Just keep scoring at will and do something we have never seen in a game like a 720 dunk from the three-point line, but please keep your yap shut about the future.

Many times, the gossip
focuses on the enormously popular and heavily political Triple H, husband to
WWE Princess Stephanie McMahon. Since inserting himself into the royal family
of pro wrestling in 2003, Mr. H has been criticized by dirt sheet “journalists” about the perks he receives from being married to WWE Chairman Vince McMahon’s
daughter. 

She’s crazy.
She’s pregnant. She’s getting divorced. She’s pregnant again. She’s shaving her head! She looks loopy on stage performing one of her formulaic pop musical ditties at some lame awards show. She’s admitted to a problem. She’s finding her inner self. She’s releasing a new record. She needs more money!

Whether or not Brit is
locked up in the loony bin doesn’t stop us from watching sports, but she still needs to take a hike. We’re asking from the bottom of our black heart’s to please keep her off of our television sets unless it’s the replay of the “Baby One
More Time.” 

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Chad Johnson or Chad Ocho Cinco

Chad: Play football. Score
touchdowns. Do your dances. Win championships, then talk as much as you want. But
you’re a Bengal, and that’s in the cat family, which associates you
the Lions. That means no talking.

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Shaq & Kobe

Shaq and Kobe don’t play on the same team anymore, and haven’t for a few years now. The bottom line is that the story is tired and the inability for the press to conjure up new material to draw readers back to their fledging magazines and newspapers highlights exactly why certain publications will be going the way of the banking and auto industries sooner rather than later.

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Barry Bonds

Whether or not Bonds will join the ranks of baseball’s elite is yet to be determined, and if he does, then a whole new crop of arguments can surface (or the same ones repackaged). Now it’s up to the league and those who make those types of choices to decide, so hopefully the rest of us can move on and find someone else to devote our time too. Stories about Bonds are all old hat, and since that hat belongs to Bonds, it means the stories have been stretched very thin to keep pace with his ever-growing bulbous melon. 

NOW Thats What I Call Yankees: Offseason Edition

20 Nov

Prediction: By the time the first pitch crosses the plate in the 2009 baseball season the Yankees’ roster will have gone through more changes than Joan Rivers’ face.

It’s a bold prediction, we know, but many are anticipating a severe metamorphosis for New York following the disappointing 2008 campaign. In the meantime, the anxiety of guessing who’s on their way out (we’ll miss the ‘stache), who’s going to get one last chance (step it up, Robbie), what new faces we’ll see (can I get you a soda, CC?) and overall how things will have evolved when the new Yankee Stadium opens its doors are all questions as that will have a definitive answer on Opening Day. 

To help encompass some of the scenarios revolving around the Yankees, we decided to make the soundtrack, NOW That’s What I Call Yankees: Offseason Edition. Below is an eclectic collection of songs from various artists that span different eras which can help us break down some mysteries and issues Yankees fans will encounter leading up to the first game of the season on April 6th.
 

Album: The Best of Player

PlayerThis one goes out to Chien-Ming Wang and Jorge Posada, who were sidelined with injuries for the bulk of last season. 

Fellas, we know you’re listening, and we just want you to come back healthy. That’s all we ask. Whatever you need, we’ll give you. (Well, actually, we can only offer loud cheers and chants when you step onto the field.) You want a different song to represent your return? Not an issue. Just let us know and consider it done.
 
Pearl Jam, Rearview Mirror 

Album: Vs.
Pearl JamHindsight is always 20/20, and it’s crystal clear the Yankees lacked pitching last season (perhaps they should have pulled the trigger on the Johan Santana deal). The Steinbrenners and Brian Cashman saw it and have been vocal about who they want to bring to New York to help improve the situation. 
Acquiring established veterans and grooming the gifted youngsters already on the roster has, so far, anyway, seemed to be a top priority. In focusing on the home-grown stars, we think it’s safe to say the Bombers’ future’s so bright we have to wear shades.
The Doors, People Are Strange
Album: Strange Days

The DoorsPeople have certainly become strange when it comes Yankees news this offseason. Some “insiders” pretend to know the top-secret info and then go share it on their blogs without verifying sources. Even worse are the dummies who call into New York radio talk shows claiming to have the inside scoop. We actually heard somebody call WFAN’s Steve Somers last night saying that he heard from a guy who heard from a “source” that the Yanks were shopping Joba to the Mets for Carlos Beltran. Even if the Bombers got both Beltrans, that trade would be a joke. Heck, even the normally-disillusioned Somers knew that was dumb. 

However, ending the lunacy is easily avoidable. The remedy is to watch Mike Francesa on YES, or catch his clips on YESNetwork.com. In terms of sports-news, the guy’s more connected than Tony Soprano.

Green Day, Coming Clean 
Album: Dookie
Green DayThe Yankees have come clean involving missteps of the recent past, and they’re not looking back in anger

Acquiring Nick Swisher was questionable to some, but after it was confirmed that CC Sabathia was offered enough money for him to substitute dollar bills for toilet paper, and knowing that offers for pitchers A.J. Burnett and Derek Lowe are pending, it seems as though pitching will be a key component to a successful 2009 season.

 
The Offspring, The Kids Aren’t Alright

Album: Americana

The OffspringWith concern for Phil Hughes’ development, Joba Chamberlain’s role and Brett Gardner’s production at the plate, there’s plenty of questions about the “kids” on the team. (Can you actually refer to someone with a hefty six-figure salary as a kid?) Their early production will determine if the Yankees’ brass will be walking on sunshine, or if they’ll find their continued faith in youngsters is simply a hard habit to break.

 

Double You, Please Don’t Go

Album: Studio Live

Double YouUnlike the former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, we Yankees fans like the Moose, and following a 20-win season, many of those fans hope Mike Mussina’s ride in the concrete jungle hasn’t stopped just yet. But it appears as though it has. Our only hope is that Mussina reads this entry and decides to pull a Brett Favre before the season starts. Our fingers are crossed.

Andy Pettitte, we know you’re probably feeling left out right now, but don’t. We’d write our own song for you, but nothing rhymes with Pettitte.

Jamiroquai, Where Do We Go From Here?
Album: Synchronized
JamiroquaiSo where do the Yankees go from here? That’s been on everyone’s mind since last September. 
With a cache of possibilities on the horizon, along with acquisition of Swisher, a rearranged coach staff, and a renewed zest from the Steinbrenner clan, it’s obvious that things will be different this year — and if they’re not, expect heads to roll early. The answer, then, would be “up.” The only place to go for the Yankees is to rise up through the division and charge into October.

Queen, The Show Must Go On
Album: Innuendo

QueenRegardless of what moves are or aren’t made, the show must go on. Even if every plan the Yankees had in mind falls through, expect Joe Girardi and Derek Jeter to extract the very best from the squad in 2009. Love ’em hate ’em, these two are hard-nosed competitors who give it 100 percent every time.

Why should we trust Joe and Derek this time around? The reason behind that is simple: as hard as it was for us fans to sit through October and watch other teams compete, it was 10 times as hard for the boys in pinstripes.

Talking Heads, This Must be the Place
Album: Speaking in Tongues
Talking Heads
The atmosphere of the new Yankee Stadium will be filled with energy — OK, and lots of people with hot dog breath. 
But the energy will be much more prominent. After talking to some of the guys at YES, it looks like the history of the old stadium is prevalent, and you know the new memories are destined for the history books. This certainly is the place! 
 
Guns N’ Roses, Welcome to the Jungle
Album: Appetite for Destruction
Guns N' Roses
Think Yankees fans were rowdy at the old stadium? Just wait until the Bleacher Creatures settle into their seats at the new stadium. It’s common knowledge that they don’t necessarily approve of box seats (or the Red Sox)… imagine what they will have to say about the new, even-more-expensive boxes. We’re scared. 
 
We missed something, didn’t we? It happens from time to time. But you don’t have to be shy about it. Leave a comment or email us: themax@ymail.com.
 

Kenny Rogers files for free agency

12 Nov

kennyrogers.jpgThe names Kenny and Roger are common in America, so it’s understandable that there are two grown gentlemen with the name Kenny Rogers who have free agency news that needs delivered. 

First, perhaps the more well known to this audience, is the Tigers’ 21-year veteran left-hander who has decided to test the waters in the MLB free agency pool. He was the only player to file on Tuesday, which we feel deserves a quick mention before we get into even bigger news: 

Kenny Rogers files for free agency!

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The man with silver-dollar hair and a voice built to thrill has decided to file free agency from his horrendous style of music. It’s true, we swear.
“I’m sick of making lame music,” Rogers said in a written statement. “Yeah, I’ve sold a bunch of records, but it didn’t really take any talent. I want to see what else is out there for me.” 
The Max would like to state that we hope there is nothing out there for Kenny, and that we have our fingers crossed that he will simply go away. To ensure this becomes a reality, we have started contacting people within the music industry to beg them not to show any interest in revamping and repackaging Kenny Rogers. The last thing we need is for this old buzzard’s mug to show up on TV at halftime of some sporting event doing a duet with Amy Winehouse or Kelly Osbourne.

The funny thing is, our most common reaction when we call a music executive and tell them we’re calling in reference to Kenny Rogers: 

“Man, is that dude still pitching?”  
We’ve got to be doing something right (or wrong, more likely), let us know: themax_blog@ymail.com

Rock, Paper, Scissors coming to baseball?

6 Nov

A late-breaking story Thursday revealed that some baseball general manager’s want Wild-Card tiebreakers to be decided by performance rather than a coin flip.

C’mon, judging by performance? This isn’t American Idol, it’s baseball. It’s America’s pastime. It’s what keeps my television occupied from May-October. It’s the sport that gives young kids a dream that they can be a World Series hero and get paid millions of dollars. (That is, until they get past the age of 13 and realize that scenario’s about as probable as the Lions getting a Super Bowl ring.)

The point is, a performance-based mode of judgment isn’t what’s needed. Instead, we need something based on skill, and there’s no better way to test someone’s skills than to challenge them to a best-of-three game of Rock, Paper Scissors. It’s quick, and ties never last.

Forgot how to play? Here is a refresher of the rules:

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To let the baseball GM’s know they’re wrong, The Max is starting a fictional online petition, and we’re putting everyone’s name on it that sends us and email to show their support. All you need to do is send an email to this address and we’ll take care of the rest: themax_blog@ymail.com