Archive | January, 2009

Look kids … Big Ben!

28 Jan

As we inch closer to Super Bowl XLIII, The Max will be asking for your daily input on some of the more interesting prop bets surrounding the big game. We’re calling the feature The Daily Over/Under. Our first bet revolves around Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger:

How many times will Al Michaels and John Madden annoy you by calling Roethlisberger “Big Ben”? We’re setting the over/under at six. Leave your best guess below.

bigben.jpg

Say it isnt so

28 Jan

linbowl.jpgYou’ll need to be sitting down to hear this bad news. Go ahead, take a seat. We’ll wait a few seconds… Ok, now that you’re resting comfortably, we have some disappointing news to share with you: The Lingerie Bowl has been canceled this year!

Sorry to have to tell you this bit of information, but we thought you should hear it from us first (we know, we know… you probably already heard it somewhere else, but don’t ruin this for us).

To be honest, we’re shocked that the NFL hasn’t stepped in to save this historical event. Our only guess is that the economic crisis has hit the NFL harder than we thought. Thus, they’re probably financially handcuffed and can’t step in to make the save.

But have no fear, The Max is here to help. Here’s a list of things the NFL could cut in order to make room for the Lingerie Bowl in their budget:

  • Bruce Springsteen: We’re guessing The Boss is going to play the
    same songs he did a few weeks ago at the President Obama Inaguration
    Ball. Just go back and watch those.

  • The 3rd quarter: Really, how much actually happens in the 3rd quarter anyway? It usually takes teams a good five minutes to get back into the swing of things. We say cut your losses and eliminate the third quarter completely. Just follow the enormously-popular NHL template of 3 periods… they obviously know what they’re doing.
  • GoDaddy.com commercials: At this point, Candice Michelle is more plastic than actual woman. Please don’t make us watch that stupid dance again this year. (You’re gonna step in and tell us that the NFL actually makes money off these ads and that it doesn’t support our argument, aren’t you? Well, if you’re going to be logical about this whole thing, you should probably stop reading here.)
  • The first 12 hours of the pre-game show: Does it really need to be the entire day?
  • Instant replay: How about the officials just get the call right the first time? Is that so much to ask?
  • Fourth downs: By no means do we claim to be economic experts, but according to our calculations, the NFL could save the exact amount needed to save the Lingerie Bowl if they eliminated fourth downs completely. Aren’t these guys professionals? You would think if they were any good, they could pick up 10 yards within three attempts.

We welcome your comments on this. But again, if you’re going to be using logic to make any sort of argument, this post is not the place to do it.

Somebody thought this was a good idea…

26 Jan
rangers1.jpg
But that’s not the worst part. After somebody thought up this horrible design, another person – a person with some power in the Rangers’ organization – actually agreed! Unreal!
After seeing this ridiculous helmet design, The Max has called an emergency meeting of its board. The goal of the meeting is to decide where in history these helmets sit on the list of the all-time ugliest uniforms. If you feel like helping us, leave your nominations below. We’ll let you know what we come up with when our emergency meeting adjourns (that’s fancy talk for ends). 

Id rather be…

24 Jan

aon.jpgBy now, you’ve probably already heard that Avery Johnson has turned down the Memphis Grizzlies head coaching job. (Who could blame him?) But what you may not know is that the former Dallas Mavericks head honcho has a list of 10 other sports-related jobs that he would rather have than the Grizzlies gig. Through a process we can’t reveal here, we were able to secure a copy of the list:

10. Eddy Curry’s limo driver
9. Kimbo Slice’s sparring partner
8. NBA drug test urine collector
7. San Diego Chicken
6. Tim McCarver’s hair stylist
5. Roger Clemens’ trainer
4. Donovan McNabb’s lawn care specialist
3. Assistant coach at The Covenant School
2. Sean Avery’s girlfriend
1. Anything with the Arena Football League (or WNBA… same thing)

Shumway out in Phoenix

24 Jan

In case you missed it (seeing as it’s hockey news, we’re assuming you did), Phoenix Coyotes CEO Jeff Shumway “resigned” from his post yesterday.

Calls into Shumway’s people and the Coyotes’ front office have gone unanswered, but The Max was able to secure an exclusive interview with the former CEO’s brother, Gordon:

The Max:
How did you hear of the news regarding your brother?
Gordon: I actually just read it on the Internet about an hour ago. My roommate, Willie, was hogging the computer all morning. When I finally got on, I visited my usual morning stops – NBC.com, StuffOnMyCat.com, ESPN.com – I saw it when I got to ESPN.com.

The Max: So he never called you to let you know about the news?
Gordon: No, we haven’t talked in years.

The Max: Really? Why?
Gordon: Well, I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not from around here. I actually came to the States back in 1986. And I think he still holds a grudge about me never sending for him. To be honest, I completely forgot about him. I made friends with a family in California called the Tanners, and was having so much fun hanging out with them that I completely forgot about him.

The Max: So you haven’t talked to him since the mid-1980s?
Gordon: No, that’s not completely accurate. We made amends briefly, but then went our separate ways again after I asked for compensation for being the inspiration for the Coyotes’ logo. He insists that the image isn’t me. But, come on. Anybody can see that he patterned it after me. Just look at that nose… Ha!

The Max:
So what are you doing now? Are you still hanging with the Tanners?
Gordon: Kinda. I actually mostly hang with Willie, my current roommate. The family kinda broke up about 10 years ago. Sad story. It all started when their cat, Lucky, went missing, which I swear I had nothing to do with. The son, Brian, couldn’t handle the loss and turned to drugs. Willie’s wife, Kate, said she was going to go out looking for Lucky, but never returned. Ironically, Mr. Ochmonek next door went missing around the same time. You do the math on that one. And I still see Lynn every now and then… if you know what I mean.

The Max: Ok, this interview is taking a turn down a street we don’t think we need to go down. Anyway, Gordon, send us a photo. I’m sure our readers would like to see if there is a resemblance between you and the Coyotes’ logo.

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You spoke, they listened

24 Jan

Last week, we asked you to comment on YES’ newest web show so that the producers could get it perfect before they debut it on their site. Well, it looks like they took a lot of your suggestions, especially the one to make it shorter. Here’s Take 2 of the pilot-episode process. (who gets two shots at a pilot?) Be sure to leave your comments below, even if they are lame comments like the one LaneMyer left last week.

Wrestlers who overstayed their welcome

23 Jan
In honor of Randy “The Ram” Robinson (Mickey Rourke), the character in The Wrestler who refuses to give up on his in-ring career despite being well past his prime, The Max has compiled the Top 10 Wrestlers Who Hung On Too Long. These personalities had great careers in the ring, but tainted their legacy a bit when they refused to hang up their boots. Unfortunately, we’ll never look at these guys the same again.
dusty.jpg10. Dusty Rhodes
The 1970s and 1980s were very kind to Dusty Rhodes. The big Texan dominated the NWA wrestling scene, including the then-prestigious Mid-Atlantic territory, where he captured the NWA World Heavyweight Championship.

But after getting canned in 1988, Dusty, who was well into his 40s at the time, refused to hang up his boots. Instead, he took his game to WWE. Within months of his debut, “The American Dream” managed to throw away his legendary status and adopt ridiculous-looking yellow polka-dot trunks and the world’s worst manager, Sapphire. 

9. Paul Orndorff
Mr. Wonderful owns the prestigious honor of competing in the first-ever WrestleMania main event in 1985. Fast forward to 1995 and the master of the piledriver was still wrestling (at 46 years of age). But his age wasn’t really the problem. Unfortunately, Orndorff was suffering from atrophy, which caused his right side to shrink to skin and bones. The sight of the one-time adonis shrinking in front of everybody’s eyes was truly saddening.
duggan.jpg8. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Hooooooooo! Ol’ Hacksaw is 55 years old and still competing in WWE. Our only guess is that he is trying to take the Johnny Rodz route into the Hall of Fame. Rodz could probably count his number of wins on one hand. But the guy was in WWE so long that they actually put him in the Hall of Fame. Hey Hacksaw, if you’re gonna make us watch you wrestle, can you at least put a shirt on? Or maybe tuck your gut in?
7. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Remember Piper’s retirement match in 1987? How about the hundreds of matches he competed in over the following 20 years? If you ask us, we think he should’ve walked away when he said he was going to. That way we would’ve been saved from watching that pasty white fat man “wrestling” in WWE pay-per-views in 2006. Who thought giving him the World Tag Team Championship at age 52 was a good idea? Here’s the video… fast forward to 6:35 to see a couple of out-of-shape senior citizens.
mool.jpg6. Fabulous Moolah
In 1999, at the age of 137, the Fabulous Moolah defeated Ivory to win the Women’s Championship. Watching it was like watching my grandmother, God rest her soul, wrestling with the can of cat food while feeding her 17 felines… not a pretty site. Her brittle hands just couldn’t figure out the darn can opener. See what we’re talking about.
5. Andre the Giant
This will undoubtedly be an unpopular decision with fringe wrestling fans. But those in the know realize that Andre was pretty much good for nothing after his 25th birthday. He simply could not move around the ring. Andre owes the fact that he is considered a legend to Vince McMahon and his amazing marketing team. They somehow turned an immobile, unintelligible man into a cult hero. Go figure.
4. Ric Flair
We’re happy to see that “The Nature Boy” finally hung up his “RF” boots after last year’s WrestleMania. We’re just curious what took so long. And if he insisted on being in the ring until he was a senior citizen, couldn’t he at least cover up his body a little bit? Watching his leathery, yet flabby, skin flop around the ring was truly vomit-inducing. (His final match… hopefully)
diesel.jpg3. Kevin Nash
This guy can’t even walk into the ring without getting injured… seriously. But at just a few months shy of his 50th birthday, he’s still dragging his sorry body out there. We just wish he would go back to dying his hair. Nobody’s scared of Capt. Grey Beard.
2. Hulk Hogan
The Hulkster is arguably the biggest name in wrestling history, despite his lack of athleticism. This guy was bad at 21, and when he won his most recent WWE championship just shy of his 50th birthday, he wasn’t any better. The sad thing is that every time he climbs into the ring, people watch, even though he barely does his signature leg drop anymore in fear of breaking a hip (that’s seriously what we heard).
anu.jpg1. Legion of Doom
Hands down, Animal & Hawk were the greatest tag team in wrestling history. But like so many others, they just never knew when to say enough. The shine started to come off this duo when they reintroduced themselves as LOD 2000 (in 1998, by the way… two years before the year 2000). The numerically-challenged team then continued to slide into the toilet in the following months, most notably when Hawk’s character started coming to the ring drunk. No joke.
Honorable Mention: Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Scott Steiner, Danny Spivey/Waylon Mercy, The Sheik, Tommy Dreamer, Debra, Mick Foley, Finlay, Dudley Boyz, Ultimate Warrior (was the WCW run really necessary?)

On the flip side, here’s a list of names that the wrestling industry held on to for too long. Age is not a factor here; the only problem was wrestling promoters continuing to push these guys despite a lack of any sort of talent:
10. Ahmed Johnson / Big T
Big dude, little talent.
9. Mark Henry
Bigger dude, less talent.
8. Mabel
Biggest dude, zero talent.

7. Savio Vega
Had the body of a rotten pear. And the charisma of a shoe.
6. Steve McMichael
The only
thing Mongo did worse than wrestle was announce. And remember that
little dog
he had with him at the commentators table? Shoulda stuck to
being a retired football player.
5. Ted Arcidi
Luckily WWE didn’t promote this powerlifter-turned-wrestler too much. But when they did, they did it hard. Unfortunately, this was his best match.
4. David Arquette
WCW champion? Seriously? No wonder WCW went out of business.
3. Albert
Why does Vince continue to push big guys, even if they have zero talent or likability?
2. Test
Not only was he a horrible wrestler, but he also dated Stacy Keibler and Kelly Kelly… three reasons to hate him!
1. X-Pac
In wrestling, bad guys (or heels, as they say in the business) like it when they get booed. It means that they are doing their job well, and in reality, a boo could be considered a cheer. Not in X-Pac’s case, though. When fans were booing him, they were literally telling him to go jump off a tall building.
aasanders.jpgAnd finally, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the wrestlers that just never got a fair shake. Here’s our Top 6 (yeah, we could only come up with 6) names that had the talent and charisma, but Vince never let them stick around long enough to overstay their welcome like the others.

6. Stevie Richards
Sure, he wasn’t great. But how do you keep Brooklyn Brawler around for 30 years and not let Stevie show off his talents?

5. David Flair
Come on, the guy is a Flair. He’s gotta be good for something. From where we sit, there was no need to release him so early into his career.

4. Katie Vick
We know that Katie was not really a wrestler, but as far as storylines go, we wanted to see where this one was going. But instead, they went and put an early end to it. Watching it was like watching a car wreck… you know, when you can’t look away even though it’s so hard to watch.

3. Shannon Moore
At the risk of sounding like chubby WCW announcer Mark Madden, we really thought Shannon Moore was going to turn into the next Shawn Michaels. Instead, he’s now wasting time in a tattoo shop somewhere in North Carolina.

2. Mike Sanders
Anybody with the nickname “Above Average” is OK in our book. In fact, because of Sanders, we like to describe our content as “Above Average.” We think you’d agree… maybe.

1. Disco Inferno
We’re just jealous of his dancing ability.