Archive | January, 2009

Ryan Howard vs. Ryan Howard

28 Jan



Who would you rather hang out with?

 Ryan Howard, the Phillies’ slugger asking for 18 million reasons to keep him at first base with the World Champs, or Ryan Howard, the former executive at Dunder Mifflin paper company that was fired and arrested for corruption? We feel it’s a tossup…

Ryan “Phillies” Howard 

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Pros
  • He’s rich.
  • He wears fancy rings on his fingers.
  • He takes snazzy promo shots.
Cons
  • He plays for the Phillies.
  • He has a bulbous head.
  • He’s left-handed, which makes for awkward handshakes.

Ryan “Dunder Mifflin” Howard

ryanhowardoffice.jpg


Pros
  • He works for… um, a paper company? Well, he’s got a job, at least.
  • Has a criminal record (white-collar crime gets chicks).
Cons
  • He’s been arrested for swindling money.
  • He may or may not have a drug problem.
  • He never really liked Kelly but dated her anyway.
  • Sometimes he sports a scraggly beard that makes him look like a dirtier Kevin Federline.

The verdict? You tell us, but we’re pretty fond of paper… even though the guy associated with it looks like a weaselly creepster.

Look kids … Big Ben!

28 Jan

As we inch closer to Super Bowl XLIII, The Max will be asking for your daily input on some of the more interesting prop bets surrounding the big game. We’re calling the feature The Daily Over/Under. Our first bet revolves around Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger:

How many times will Al Michaels and John Madden annoy you by calling Roethlisberger “Big Ben”? We’re setting the over/under at six. Leave your best guess below.

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Say it isnt so

28 Jan

linbowl.jpgYou’ll need to be sitting down to hear this bad news. Go ahead, take a seat. We’ll wait a few seconds… Ok, now that you’re resting comfortably, we have some disappointing news to share with you: The Lingerie Bowl has been canceled this year!

Sorry to have to tell you this bit of information, but we thought you should hear it from us first (we know, we know… you probably already heard it somewhere else, but don’t ruin this for us).

To be honest, we’re shocked that the NFL hasn’t stepped in to save this historical event. Our only guess is that the economic crisis has hit the NFL harder than we thought. Thus, they’re probably financially handcuffed and can’t step in to make the save.

But have no fear, The Max is here to help. Here’s a list of things the NFL could cut in order to make room for the Lingerie Bowl in their budget:

  • Bruce Springsteen: We’re guessing The Boss is going to play the
    same songs he did a few weeks ago at the President Obama Inaguration
    Ball. Just go back and watch those.

  • The 3rd quarter: Really, how much actually happens in the 3rd quarter anyway? It usually takes teams a good five minutes to get back into the swing of things. We say cut your losses and eliminate the third quarter completely. Just follow the enormously-popular NHL template of 3 periods… they obviously know what they’re doing.
  • GoDaddy.com commercials: At this point, Candice Michelle is more plastic than actual woman. Please don’t make us watch that stupid dance again this year. (You’re gonna step in and tell us that the NFL actually makes money off these ads and that it doesn’t support our argument, aren’t you? Well, if you’re going to be logical about this whole thing, you should probably stop reading here.)
  • The first 12 hours of the pre-game show: Does it really need to be the entire day?
  • Instant replay: How about the officials just get the call right the first time? Is that so much to ask?
  • Fourth downs: By no means do we claim to be economic experts, but according to our calculations, the NFL could save the exact amount needed to save the Lingerie Bowl if they eliminated fourth downs completely. Aren’t these guys professionals? You would think if they were any good, they could pick up 10 yards within three attempts.

We welcome your comments on this. But again, if you’re going to be using logic to make any sort of argument, this post is not the place to do it.

Somebody thought this was a good idea…

26 Jan
rangers1.jpg
But that’s not the worst part. After somebody thought up this horrible design, another person – a person with some power in the Rangers’ organization – actually agreed! Unreal!
After seeing this ridiculous helmet design, The Max has called an emergency meeting of its board. The goal of the meeting is to decide where in history these helmets sit on the list of the all-time ugliest uniforms. If you feel like helping us, leave your nominations below. We’ll let you know what we come up with when our emergency meeting adjourns (that’s fancy talk for ends). 

Id rather be…

24 Jan

aon.jpgBy now, you’ve probably already heard that Avery Johnson has turned down the Memphis Grizzlies head coaching job. (Who could blame him?) But what you may not know is that the former Dallas Mavericks head honcho has a list of 10 other sports-related jobs that he would rather have than the Grizzlies gig. Through a process we can’t reveal here, we were able to secure a copy of the list:

10. Eddy Curry’s limo driver
9. Kimbo Slice’s sparring partner
8. NBA drug test urine collector
7. San Diego Chicken
6. Tim McCarver’s hair stylist
5. Roger Clemens’ trainer
4. Donovan McNabb’s lawn care specialist
3. Assistant coach at The Covenant School
2. Sean Avery’s girlfriend
1. Anything with the Arena Football League (or WNBA… same thing)

Shumway out in Phoenix

24 Jan

In case you missed it (seeing as it’s hockey news, we’re assuming you did), Phoenix Coyotes CEO Jeff Shumway “resigned” from his post yesterday.

Calls into Shumway’s people and the Coyotes’ front office have gone unanswered, but The Max was able to secure an exclusive interview with the former CEO’s brother, Gordon:

The Max:
How did you hear of the news regarding your brother?
Gordon: I actually just read it on the Internet about an hour ago. My roommate, Willie, was hogging the computer all morning. When I finally got on, I visited my usual morning stops – NBC.com, StuffOnMyCat.com, ESPN.com – I saw it when I got to ESPN.com.

The Max: So he never called you to let you know about the news?
Gordon: No, we haven’t talked in years.

The Max: Really? Why?
Gordon: Well, I’m not sure if you know this, but we’re not from around here. I actually came to the States back in 1986. And I think he still holds a grudge about me never sending for him. To be honest, I completely forgot about him. I made friends with a family in California called the Tanners, and was having so much fun hanging out with them that I completely forgot about him.

The Max: So you haven’t talked to him since the mid-1980s?
Gordon: No, that’s not completely accurate. We made amends briefly, but then went our separate ways again after I asked for compensation for being the inspiration for the Coyotes’ logo. He insists that the image isn’t me. But, come on. Anybody can see that he patterned it after me. Just look at that nose… Ha!

The Max:
So what are you doing now? Are you still hanging with the Tanners?
Gordon: Kinda. I actually mostly hang with Willie, my current roommate. The family kinda broke up about 10 years ago. Sad story. It all started when their cat, Lucky, went missing, which I swear I had nothing to do with. The son, Brian, couldn’t handle the loss and turned to drugs. Willie’s wife, Kate, said she was going to go out looking for Lucky, but never returned. Ironically, Mr. Ochmonek next door went missing around the same time. You do the math on that one. And I still see Lynn every now and then… if you know what I mean.

The Max: Ok, this interview is taking a turn down a street we don’t think we need to go down. Anyway, Gordon, send us a photo. I’m sure our readers would like to see if there is a resemblance between you and the Coyotes’ logo.

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