Tag Archives: Roger Clemens

Building Mount Dumpmore

26 Feb

dumpmore.jpgIf you’re anything like us, you’re pretty sick and tired of ESPN promoting their silly Mt. Rushmore of Sports campaign. Not only are they forcing us to watch the debacle on TV, but now they’re doing separate, considerably smaller promotions online. Does anybody really care if Dave Niehaus is on the Seattle Mariners Mount Rushmore?

To combat ESPN’s silly promotion, The Max has decided to sculpt their own mountains. But unlike ESPN, we’re not going to sit here and wax poetic on stats or who was the greatest. Instead, we’re building New York’s Mount Dumpmore. As you would expect, Mount Dumpmore honors the absolute worst in each New York sport (or at least the New York sports that count. Sorry NHL).

New York Yankees: Carl Pavano, Hideki Irabu, Jaret Wright, Roger Clemensdumpmoreyankees.jpgNotice how they are all pitchers? Not such a great track records there, huh? Anyway, it pains us that we couldn’t fit Steve Sax or Brien Taylor in there. We really tried, though. These other guys were just too horrible to leave off the list, especially Pavano and his giant contract.

New York Mets: Willie Mays, Mo Vaughn, Vince Coleman, Bobby Bonilla
metsdump.jpgLike Steve Sax, we did everything we could to get Roberto Alomar on Mount Dumpmore. But with his recent woes, we figured we would go easy on him. And yes, we know that associating Willie Mays with any sort of dump is sac-relig. But let’s face facts, he stunk as a Met.

Here’s our Dumpmores for the other New York sports. Like ESPN, we’re gonna wimp out and do them strictly as text. But there is no excuse for ESPN doing this, as they have about 2,000 times the resources The Max does.

New York Knicks: Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury, Antonio McDysse, Travis Knight
Fast forward six months, and we’ll have our Boston edition of Mount Dumpore, featuring Stephon Marbury in a Celtics uni.

New York Jets: Rich Kotite, Rich Kotite, Rich Kotite, Rich Kotite
No, that’s not a typo. We’d put him up a fifth time if possible. 

New York Giants: Ray Handley, Tyrone Wheatley, Ron Dayne, Dave Brown
Ray Handley should thank his lucky stars that Rich Kotite coached the Jets. Otherwise, he would probably take the crown for worst New York football coach ever.

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Id rather be…

24 Jan

aon.jpgBy now, you’ve probably already heard that Avery Johnson has turned down the Memphis Grizzlies head coaching job. (Who could blame him?) But what you may not know is that the former Dallas Mavericks head honcho has a list of 10 other sports-related jobs that he would rather have than the Grizzlies gig. Through a process we can’t reveal here, we were able to secure a copy of the list:

10. Eddy Curry’s limo driver
9. Kimbo Slice’s sparring partner
8. NBA drug test urine collector
7. San Diego Chicken
6. Tim McCarver’s hair stylist
5. Roger Clemens’ trainer
4. Donovan McNabb’s lawn care specialist
3. Assistant coach at The Covenant School
2. Sean Avery’s girlfriend
1. Anything with the Arena Football League (or WNBA… same thing)

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They said it … select quotes from 08

30 Dec

nader123008.jpgRalph Nader, responding to The Washington Post’s decision that it
wouldn’t cover his presidential campaign because he had no chance of
winning: “Then why are you covering the Nationals?”

Charles Barkley, regarding the steroid allegations haunting Barry Bonds: “You all act like it’s a big deal to gain weight when you get old. I got it down to an exact science.”

Bill Maher of HBO, on Roger Clemens: “You can’t deny you did steroids if your head is wider than it is tall.”

John Daly, to a spectator who asked Daly to autograph an empty beer can at the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic: “Don’t you have a full one?”


Kobe Bryant, on how his Los Angeles Lakers blew a 20-point, second-half lead and lost to the Boston Celtics 97-91 in Game 4 of the NBA Finals: “We just wet the bed. A nice big one, too. One of the ones you can’t put a towel over.”

docrivers123008.jpgDoc Rivers, Boston Celtics coach, after being asked how long Kevin Garnett would be out with a strained abdominal muscle: “You know Doc’s a nickname, correct?“

Coco Crisp, Red Sox outfielder, on the team’s decision to stop fans from spreading cremation ashes at Fenway Park: “It’s kind of freaky knowing you’re diving into somebody’s grandpa.”

Alla Kudryavtseva on what motivated her to beat tennis star Maria Sharapova in Wimbledon’s second round:  “It’s very pleasant to beat Maria…Why? Well, I don’t like her outfit.”

David Letterman: “Halloween — It’s the dead walking among the living? They’re dead but they’re walking around. No, wait a minute, that’s the McCain campaign.“

brooke_123008.jpgBrooke “The Smartest Woman Alive” Hogan: “You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ’cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?“ 

“I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don’t go out or anything. I just feel like an old fart.” — Britney Spears on her life as a parent. 

Pretty much anything Sarah Palin said ended up on some blooper reel, but this one about her foreign policy qualifications takes the cake, whatever that stupid expression means…
There’s a billion more quotes out there, sure, but we like these. Of course, there’s also the Chad Ocho Cinco, T.O., George W. Bush, Shaq catalogue, but we tend to bust on them enough, and we decided to wait until the new year to launch a full-scale assault on some of our favorite targets. 

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What do these guys have in common?

1 Dec

nameplax.jpg

Answer: They have all been involved in plots to dupe the public.

According to reports, after shooting himself this past weekend, Plaxico Burress checked himself into a hospital under the alias of Harrison Smith. The fake name was presumably used as a way to avoid media attention, as well as possible legal ramifications associated with possessing a gun. Obviously, it didn’t really work the way ol’ Harry had hoped. When news of Plax’s alias broke, The Max immediately began thinking of some of sports’ other great aliases. Here’s the Top 8, according to The Max:

No. 8 – Kenny Lofton (as Muhammad Ali)
Despite penning this enormously popular blog (ok, that’s a stretch), we have never needed to hide our identity in an attempt to avoid masses of fans. However, if we ever did need to assume an alias, we sure as hell wouldn’t pick somebody more popular than us. Imagine us checking into a hotel as Bill Simmons or Perez Hilton… Almost sounds like we would be intentionally looking for attention. Well, that’s exactly what Kenny Lofton does when he checks into a hotel. Apparently, the fleet-footed outfielder routinely checks into his rooms as Muhammad Ali, as well as other boxing greats.

No. 7 – Curt Schilling (as gehrig38)
After signing with the Red Sox in 2003, Curt Schilling logged on to the Son of Sam Horn web site as gehrig38. Unlike Lofton, however, it seems Schilling was pretty up front about seeking attention (we know, you’re shocked). He went on to conduct a three-hour interview upon logging into the site.

No. 6 – Roger Clemens (as Red Glare)
Say what you will about Clemens, this one is pretty witty. Get it? Rocket’s red glare. Clemens’ nickname is Rocket. We don’t know how else to say it. You either get it or you don’t.

No. 5 – Charles Barkley (as Homer Simpson)
Well, at least Barkley doesn’t have an inflated view of himself. Reportedly, the “Round Mound of Rebound” uses Homer as his alias when checking into hotels. We hate to rain on his parade, but we’d sooner see Homer than Barkley. Heck, we’d sooner see Frank Caliendo’s version of Barkley than Barkley.

No. 4 – Brian Anderson (as Lt. Frank Drebin)
This one’s great for a couple of reasons. First, it involves Frank Drebin from the Naked Gun movies. That’s hilarious on its own. But the funniest part is that former Major League pitcher Brian Anderson (record: 82-83) thinks he is famous enough to warrant an alias. That’s cute.

No. 3 – Plaxico Burress (as Harrison Smith)
The jury’s still out on this one… almost literally. The Harrison Smith alias may take on a life of its own, which would assuredly move it up on the list. Clearly, Harrison Smith’s legacy has yet to be written. We’ll get back to you in a few weeks.

No. 2 – Evander Holyfield (as Evan Fields)
Evan Fields was reportedly the alias ex-boxing champ Evander Holyfield used when ordering human growth hormone and testosterone. It doesn’t take a genius to piece this one together; but just to be sure, SI.com called the number listed for Evan Fields and guess who picked up. Yup, Holyfield. An evader Evander is not.

No. 1 – Michael Vick (as Ron Mexico)
We hate to kick a man when he’s down, but did Michael Vick ever do ANYTHING right?  

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