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Royals go international to sign young righty

After seeing the success such teams as the Boston Red Sox and Seattle Mariners have had finding top stars in the international market, the Kansas City Royals announced Tuesday that they have signed a young right-handed flame thrower from Iraq:

“We’ve only seen him on tape thus far,” admits one unnamed Royals official. “But he clearly has promise, and his heart is in the right place. He’ll just need to work on his control a bit. Once he’s able to hit his target, we think we’ll have a superstar on our hands.”

Hey, he can’t be worse than Kyle Farnsworth.

Tags: George Bush, Iraq, Kansas City Royals, President, President Bush, Royals

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Nationals hunting for new public announcer

15 Dec

There was a thirty-second radio spot last week revealing that the flailing economy has hit the Washington Nationals where it counts — on the public announce system. Having to layoff the PA guy has caused the D.C. squad to hold open tryouts. There’s a shortlist for those they’d consider, and the list may surprise (or�appall) you:

BILLY MAYS

Mays is a first-team All-American hustler when it comes to bellowing cheesy�catchphrases with his booming voice and I’m-trying-to-rip-you-off�smirk.�

On a recent poll taken, his likability was down among Nationals fans (and yes, they had to search long and hard for a Nationals fan). But he’s looking for a new product to swindle people into�believing�works — and the Washington baseball team may just be that product.

��

MATTHEW LESKO

Matthew Lesko is the �goof wearing the question marks all over his clothes. He’s always talking about how people can “borrow” from the government — “For FREE!” �Some people have called him a rip-off artist and a loser — and we call those people�”us.”

But the Nationals believe if he can trick people into actually thinking the government gives money away for free, he can also trick people �into rooting for the Nationals.

��

TONY LITTLE

Tony Little is best known for his extremely tight spandex workout suits and his well-kept hairband coif.�His product, the Gazell, is a mock space-aged contraption that has people looking like fools before they have the opportunity to lose weight.

But if Little can get people to hop on the Gazell and look absolutely�ridiculous, perhaps he can get them to hop on the Nationals bandwagon so they ridiculous�at the ballpark, too.

(Check out the video to see the “celebrity” spokesperson who swears by the Gazell — former WWE wrestler, the Genius!)

Tags: baseball, Billy Mays, Gazell, Matthew Lesko, the Genius, Tony Little, Washington Nationals, wrestling, WWE

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Hot Stove News: Knuckleballer wants to be a Yankee

14 Dec

THE NEXT YANKEES ACE?

Name: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz
ERA: 408.09
Throws: Like a guy with no arms
Bats: Scared of bats
Record: .5 -1,000,001

Rumor has it that Abe — the self proclaimed “King of the Knuckleball” — is pursuing the Yanks for a multi-year deal. We hear he even sent a fruit basket that included a headshot to the Yankees front office. So much for subtlety, Abe.
What’s up with the face paint?

According to sources that know Mr. Schwartz, painting his face like a baseball helps Abe hone his inner knuckler, which dances more erratic than the people in this video:

Oh man, the guy has a fan club?

Yup, it’s true. The buzz has already started out in Arizona. They love the whole gimmick, and fans are pushing for the Diamondbacks to get moving on drafting something that would lock up Abe and his noodle arm until at least the first game of the season. Well, that might not be completely true.

How much money should Abe be offered to play for New York?

Whoa… back up a minute. Nobody said anything about giving Schwartz any money. We were thinking he’d play for free rozin bags or pine tar. With a record of .5 wins and more than a million losses, paying him a penny would require change.

Tags: Arizona Diamondbacks, baseball, MLB, New York Yankees, WWE

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Glen Cry Baby Davis nearly squirts tears

11 Dec

Want to see Celtics forward Glen Davis come close to turning on the water works during a game because Kevin “big meanie” Garnett called out Davis and the other Boston scrubs�subs for blowing an enormous lead against Portland?�

Also, don’t forget this crying fit from T.O.

This video is in a different language, but�someone�is�definitely�crying in it …�unfortunately, the host can’t help himself from laughing in the crier’s face despite what appears to be a tough story for his guests to reveal.�

Tags: Boston Celtics, Glen Davis, Kevin Garnett, T.O. Terrell Owens

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Jerry Sloan and 20 years of change

10 Dec

The Max was reading the The Sporting Blog when an article reminded us of something — it’s been a 20-year relationship between Jerry Sloan and the Utah Jazz. Put it this way: gas was well over four bucks a gallon last year at this time, so how much have Jerry Sloan and the world changed since he started coaching the Utah Jazz back in 1988? Let’s take a look…

Jerry Sloan has certainly aged since ’88. Look at his old photo on the left. He had a nice, thick head of dark hair. The “now” picture isn’t so appealing with spaghetti strands clinging onto a a raisin-like scalp. We’re also predicting that he was a lot livelier and funnier back then, too. Kind of like that Jerry Seinfeld guy. He was funny at one point and penned a terrific TV show, but then started making stupid animated movies for kids. Lame.

The Air Jordan III’s could have been the kicks you wore while going to see any of these 1988 movies: “Die Hard,” “Rain Man,” “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?,” “Naked Gun,” “Beetle Juice” or “Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.”

Also, Michael Jordan was wearing these sneakers when he won he the ’88 dunk contest; Jordan also won the ’87 dunk contest, but he was wearing different shoes.

In October ’88, Kirk Gibson nailed a game-winning homer in Game 1 of the World Series against the A’s for a 5-4 win. There may have been a cheesy “pulling the chain” thing going on in his celebration, too. At least he didn’t raise the roof. Kurt tried to raise it, he did, but as seen in this photo, he forgot how the rest went. Needless to say, the one-handed raise the roof never caught on, thankfully. L.A. went on to win the Series that year, by the way.

Everyone was clamoring for a Zack Morris-style phone as seen on the TV hit, Saved By the Bell. However, ’88 was during the Miss Bliss years, which by SBTB standards were lackluster. Nikki, Mikey, Mylo and Miss Bliss were awful characters, which is why the show dumped them and got a revamp by adding the man, A.C. Slater, into the mix. Slater didn’t have a phone. In fact, Zack was like the only guy in Bayside history to carry one around consistently. Now cell phones are everywhere. The point is that Zack Morris = trend setter.

This is probably what your computer looked like. Games like Oregon Trial and Number Munchers were played on the incredible widescreen display, and were the reason behind employees of The Max not having girlfriends from 1988-1990.

George H.W. Bush�took over as president from�Ronald�Reagan�after beating out Michael Dukakis. Bush and Reagan kind of look�similar, except Reagan had better hair and eyebrows. There was some talk about taxes and how new ones wouldn’t be created, but we were young back then, so we didn’t really care. Anyway, those Reagan eyebrows are pretty sweet. �

Ted Turner�bought the rights to the NWA wrestling promotion, which was later turned into World Championship Wrestling (WCW), which was later a rival to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), which was later bought by WWE, which later gave WWE no competition, and we all know that removing competition leads to….

From what we were told, it was such a cute scene watching�Brooke Hogan�challenge her dad, Hulk Hogan, for the title belt moments after emerging from the womb. She even cut her own�umbilical�chord and flexed. What a�precious�moment in 1988 history…

Tags: A's, A.C. Slater, Beetle Juice, Brook Hogan, Die Hard, George H.W. Bush, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Sloan, Kirk Gibson, L.A. Dodgers, Miss Bliss, Naked Gun, Ronald Reagan, Saved by the Bell, Utah Jazz, WCW, WWE, Zack Morris

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Phelps causing a splash with cereal endorsements

9 Dec

Swimming sensation Michael Phelps has found himself in hot water over his latest endorsement of Wheaties, Frosted Flakes and Corn Flakes brand cereals. Spokespeople and creatures from around the cereal industry have joined forces to speak out regarding Phelps’ “lackluster breakfast choices.”

The Max was able to obtain a few exclusive quotes from those on the frontline of this battle:

Count Chocula: If I were Meeeeester Phelps, I’d watch my neck — I mean, my back.

I sent Mr. Boo-Berry as well as Mr. Franken Berry an electronic mail regarding this matter. Trust me, my friends, hah hah, we share solidarity.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I see the sun coming up…

Snap: Know what? Let him hang out with Tony the Tiger. If he wants to roll with him, more power to him. We don’t need Phelps cramping our style.

Crackle: Man, forget that fool. I’m so through with him.

Pop: We shall not forgive or forget this breach of trust.

Toucan Sam:

Phelps followed his nose alright, he followed it right into the bootleg section of the cereal aisle! I mean c’mon… Corn Flakes over Fruit Loops? How mad must one be to choose that paste instead of ring-shaped loops with 12 grams of sugar per serving?

Cap’n Crunch: The guy’s gone off the deep end as far as I’m concerned.

I’d like to drop anchor on his head and smack him across the starboard side of his face!

Buzzbee:

The merman must have water in his ears that blocks rational thought from accessing his brain. Loosen up the swim cap, buddy, those cereals couldn’t beeeeeeeeeeee any lamer!

UPDATE: Fred and Barney speak out

Barney: Eh, screw ’em. More Fruity Pebbles for us, right Fred?

Fred: Right you are there, Barney. We wouldn’t even let Phelps have a bowl of Coco Pebbles, the dino droppings of the “Pebbles” brand.

You know something, Mikey? I usually give Dino a nice helping of Coco Pebbles when his pipes are clogged, but I shan’t even offer you one soggy pebble.

Tags: Boo Berry, Cheerios, Count Chocula, Franken Berry, Michael Phelps, swimming, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam

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