Tucked away deep in our corporate file cabinet is the official list of athletes we deem cool enough to hang out with. And after hearing Bert “Be Home” Blyleven’s interview with Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio this morning, the former Twins hurler has just been added to that prestigious listing (the shirt he’s wearing in this photo didn’t hurt, either). When asked how he felt about not being elected to the Hall of Fame (again), he replied, “I think it’s a bunch of crap!“
Gotta love a guy who pulls no punches and tells it like it is. His honesty is a refreshing reminder that these athletes are people, too. Hey Bert, any time you wanna go get a beer, just let us know.
Here’s the aforementioned official list of athletes we want to hang out with. The only requirement we have is that he must be alive. (Because who wants to hang out with a dead guy?) Although, you’ll see that we are pretty flexible on that requirement:
No. 20: Bill Walton
Unfortunately, as we grow older, we’re forced to act like adults, which means less “recreational activity” and more showing up to work on time. Bill, on the other hand, laughs at this notion. Plus, if we hang out, maybe he’ll let us borrow one of his Grateful Dead tie-dye T-shirts.
No. 19: Bert Blyleven
The above intro to this post says it all. Plus, how great is that nickname? Bert “Be Home” Blyleven… love it.
No. 18 (tie): Dick Pole, Jack Glasscock
Because you should always surround yourself with people that others would make fun of… takes the target off of you. For those not in the know, Pole played for the Red Sox and Mariners during the 1970s; Glasscock played for many teams including the Giants and Pirates. He is also the only deceased member of the list. With a name like Glasscock, we think he gets special dispensation.
No. 17: Walt “Clyde” Frazier
We’re not really into girly poetry, but when
Clyde opens his mouth, the soothing sounds of his rhymes make us smile,
especially in those Just For Men commercials. Plus, we really want a
friend who will tell us “your beard is weird” or “your ‘stache is trash.” It’s always better to hear those things from your friends than the girl you are trying to pick up.
No. 16: Keith Hernandez
Anybody
willing to announce a baseball game while sucking a lollipop and wearing a fur coat is OK in
our book. Plus, we’re pretty envious of that mustache, even if it’s
been chemically enhanced.
No. 15: John Daly
We have so much in common already. We both love beer and buffalo wings at Hooter’s. This friendship is a no-brainer.
No. 14: Plaxico Burress
If he’s willing to take a bullet for absolutely no reason at all, imagine what he would do for a friend in need.
No. 13: Nolan Ryan
Our mouths tend to get us into a lot of trouble. At least if we were to be side-by-side with ol’ Nolan at the bar, however, we would know that he would kick the butt of anybody that would mess with us. Just ask Robin Ventura.
No. 12: Tom Brady
Because even if we ended up with his wingman’s wingman’s rejects we would be hanging out with the hottest girls we ever laid eyes on.
No. 11: Bo Jackson
We know that it’s not the 1980s anymore, but everybody still wants to “know Bo,” don’t they? Plus, anybody who can make a defense look this dumb will never go out of style.
No. 10: Reggie Bush
The truth is that we would only want to hang out with Reggie if we could also hang with Kim Kardashian and her lovely frame. Is that so bad?
No. 9: Bucky Dent
As a rule of thumb, anybody who get’s the term “F’n” added to their name is cool in our book.
No. 8: David Wells
See John Daly.
No. 7: Bob Uecker
Between the Miller Lite commercials and his drunken ramblings in the movie Major League, we’re inclined to think “Mr. Baseball” likes to enjoy a few adult beverages. Hey, we do too. Maybe we should do it together.
No. 6: The Miz
This current WWE wrestler (and former Real World cast member) might just be the coolest man to walk the planet. The dude not only parties at the Playboy Mansion, but also dates many of the beauties inside Hef’s magazine. He has reportedly been linked to Trishelle Cannatella and Maria Kanellis, among others. With a resume like this, you would think he could spare some of his riches.
No. 5: Joba Chamberlain
OK, the truth is that we only want to hang out with Joba so that he has a safe ride home after enjoying a few beers. As Yankees fans, we need him on the mound in ’09.
No. 4: Marko Jaric
We’re thinking that as the winner of the 2008 Out-Kicked His Coverage Championship, Marko could give us some tips on overcoming our ugliness to score with the ladies.
No. 3: Jason Giambi
The former Yankees first baseman has everything you should look for in a friend. A mustache, tattoos you’ve always been afraid of getting, an honest quality and he’s willing to share his thong.
No. 2: Peyton Manning
While this may not be a popular opinion with the masses (largely because he sounds like he has marbles in his mouth when he talks), the truth is this dude is flat-out funny. We like a guy who could make us laugh. We also like long walks on the beach… oh wait, wrong web site.
No. 1: Joe Namath
Because we want to kiss Suzy Kolber, too.
On the flip side, here are some athletes that have made our “Do Not Hang Out With” list. We really think these names don’t need any explanation. But just in case, we offered a few:
- Tony Romo
- Eli Manning: Not nearly as cool as his brother.
- Curt Schilling
- Jason Williams: Any of them
- Isaiah Thomas
- Dwyane
Wade: If he was in our “five”, we would expect a ride from him after a
long night of drinking. Apparently, he’s not good for that. Just ask
Barkley.
- Sean Avery
- Eddy Curry: We’re not into that. Not that there’s anything against it.
- Tiger Woods: But we’ll play his video games.
- O.J. Simpson
- Alonzo Morrning: Can’t trust him, even if you were there for him when he was down.
- Michael Phelps
- Mike Tyson: We’d be afraid for our ears if he were to get hungry (like Bo Jackson, that joke never gets old).
Tags: Alonzo Mourning, Bert Blyleven, Bill Walton, Bo Jackson, Bob Uecker, Curt Schilling, David Wells, Dick Pole, Dwyane Wade, Eddy Curry, Eli Manning, fart, Hall of Fame, Isaiah Thomas, Jack Glasscock, Jason Giambi, Jason Williams, Joba Chamberlain, Joe Namath, John Daly, Just For Men, Keith Hernandez, Kim Kardasian, Marko Jaric, Michael Phelps, Mike Tyson, Nolan Ryan, O.J. Simpson, Peyton Manning, Plaxico Burress, Reggie Bush, Suzy Kolber, The Miz, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Walt Frazier, WWE
Most lists of this nature would probably have “Alf” (no, not Gordon Shumway) much higher on the list. But we here at The Max are not completely convinced that he’s a porker. Just look at the placement of his lard. Sits kinda high, doesn’t it? We’re gonna continue to investigate this one, but our instincts tell us that there’s a pillow stuffed in there.
Is he eating his way out of baseball, or what?
We’re noticing a pattern here. Why are most of these guys pitchers? Come on, guys. Take a jog in between starts. Or invest in a stationary bike. Even better – get a Bowflex; they really work… just watch their commercials.
This guy’s as much a vegetarian as WWE is real. Who does he think he’s foolin’? But to be honest, we are a bit surprised to see him make this list. After all, his father is so svelte.
The Max 