What? Were you expecting Adam “Pacman” Jones or something? Nah, the Cowboys are through with that guy (not really: story here), and in his place they’ve enlisted another Pac-Man — THE Pac-Man.
The Cowboys organization are ironing out the details and trying to decide how many of those power pellets it will take for the video-game crusader to suit up for the remainder of the season. The biggest hang up being encountered has been finding a helmet to squeeze over the perfect sphere that is Pac-Man’s enormous, bowling ball head.
No word on why Pac-Man has decided to put the Cowboys’ star on his cheek. We found that a little weird, and we’re also not sure what position he’ll be playing. We’re thinking wedge breaker on kickoffs is a shoo-in (or in President Bush’s case, a shoe-in).
Turns out the man formerly known as Chad Johnson (who now gets mail as Chad Ocho Cinco) isn’t the only NFLer who felt the need to switch up his birth name.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive end Greg White will from now on show up on his opponent’s scouting reports as Stylez G. White. The inspiration for “Stylez” came from a character in the 1985 flick “Teen Wolf,” where actor Jerry Levin played Rupert “Stiles” Stilinski.
The switch in spelling from “Stiles” to “Stylez” was a decision White made to “fit his personality.”
The Max applauds White’s decision, but we feel that people should know the other two names that Stylez was torn between:
First runner-up: Spicoli G. White Jeff Spicoli appeared in the 1982 classic “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” Although the film was filled with memorable characters (Who could forget Mr. Hand, Mark Ratner or Mike Damone?), Spicoli and his friends somehow always stuck out to diehard fans. Who knows, maybe the man who used to go by Greg thought Spicoli was “totally awesome!”
Second runner-up: Doc. Brown G. White
Great Scott! “Doc” Brown invented the flux capicator that appeared in the “Back to the Future” movies. For those who don’t know, the fulx capicator is what makes time travel possible. Sure, Doc is absent-minded sometimes, but it’s been rumored that Stylez sometimes forgets plays at D-end, so it would have been a perfect fit.
What other characters do you think were on White’s radar?
Dick Cheney can relate to Plaxico Burress’ recent gun troubles. In Feb. 2006, the U.S. Vice President accidentally mistook his hunting partner for a pheasant. Which means, apparently, the Veep’s hunting partner stood a few inches tall, had feathers, a tail and a multicolored face. Because that’s the only way that could actually happen, right?
Citing the media was making the “same mistake twice” by releasing statements “without all the facts being sourced and checked,” Cheney put forth a bold theory as to what really happened at the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan early last Saturday morning between Plaxico Burress, his right thigh and a loaded weapon:
Cheney also recommended charging the gun for disobedience, the bullet for firing and circumstance for allowing such an event to take place.
Even with a disturbing 0-11 record, the Detroit Lions are still the No. 1…
Team that Santa will skip when cruising around distributing presents. The Clauses are big-time bettors, and the Lions have cost them dearly this year. Get ready for a big fat chunk of coal on Dec. 25, Detroit.
Biggest waste of Thanksgiving TV time in the history of pigskin.
Team where most players lie about their job. It’s widely known that around the Motor City the guys on the squad say they are lion tamers, not Lions players.
Owners of the dirtiest uniforms in the game. (Think about it — 11 sets of cleat marks have trampled their jerseys. That’s a lot of Shout.)
Reason the XFL is pushing for a comeback. “They’re just as lousy as we ever was,” cited former XFL star Otis “Hit Squad” Floyd.
What else are the Lions No. 1 at? Leave a comment or Email us: themax_blog@ymail.com
The Max is proud to announce that we are currently accepting applications from professional athletes looking to become the face of this blog. Just like Nike did for Tiger Woods, The Max will make one lucky athlete synonymous with a worldwide mega-brand (us).
Unfortunately, however, the tumbling economy has prevented us from throwing the big bucks around. That said, we are only prepared to offer upwards of $50 to the athlete we choose as our official celebrity endorser. The low compensation has scared off the likes of LeBron James and Andy Phillips, but there are still some superstars out there excited to apply for the position. The only question we ask on our application is: How much do you like The Max? Below is what we got back.
Which finalist do you think The Max should choose as its celebrity endorser? Leave us a comment below. We promise to take your opinion into consideration when making this difficult decision
We’re happy that Ken Griffey Jr. landed a government gig (full story). It’s smart. Everyone knows that the path to riches isn’t through multimillion dollar baseball deals, anyway. It’s through government scandals and ripping off the tax payers. There’s a ridiculous amount of cash to be swindled through the guise of employment through the state, and we applaud Mr. Jr. for recognizing. We just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy entering his office.
But in all seriousness, this move might begin a revolution. What if others follow? Here are some options for professional athletes who may want to consider jumping ship for another profession:
Jets QB Brett Favre: Should signs a deal with a major motion picture company with his first significant role after “There’s Something About Marry” being the lead in “Father Time and the Touchdown Kid.” It’s the heartwarming story of an old fossil who teaches a young woman her true potential as an NFL rocket arm. Think “Rookie of the Year” meets “Necessary Roughness” meets “Little Giants” meets “My Cousin Vinny.” Oh, yeah, Joe Pesci lands a role, too. “Youse gotsa problem wit dat?” (That was our Pesci impression. Not bad, right?)
Tennis star Anna Kournikova: Deserves a shot at being the new ball girl for the Yankees. (She’d show the girl in this video up in a minute… well, maybe not. The video is pretty sick and it’s real — we swear.)
Giants QB Eli Manning: This guy needs to go back to high school as an undercover cop to foil the devious plot of a crew of misfits that copy their homework everyday before home room. Manning’s got the boyish looks to pull it off, and we know he has no problem acting immature (think back to the NFL Draft in ’04).
Bengals WR Chad Ocho Cinco: The name has Spanish tutor written all over it. C’mon, that was a gimme. However, knowing Chad’s antics, he’d probably request to be the French tutor just to be a pain.
UFC Champ Brock Lesnar: Should go back to his old job as the troll that lives under the Brooklyn Bridge who scares passersby.
Go any others? Leave a comment or drop us an email:themax@ymail.com.
Turns out the man formerly known as Chad Johnson (who now gets mail as Chad Ocho Cinco) isn’t the only NFLer who felt the need to switch up his birth name. 
The Max 